ali: a basic misconception.

i forget that people are dumb.

alot of times, i'll see or hear something that takes me aback for a moment. example: the asshole driving in front of me down union today that thought it was a brilliant idea to make a left turn on red. another example: hippies. i'll think to myself, "what is this? what is going on right now??" it's then when i realize that i've forgotten again that people are inherently stupid. not just uneducated, like they can't do calculus or don't know who Benazir Bhutto is, but stupid as in STUPID, as in can't-find-my-own-asshole-with-two-hands-and-a-flashlight-stupid.

there is a basic misconception that i live my life by: people are generally intelligent, sentient, beings. i assume that everyone else on this planet, or at least those i interact with on a daily basis, have some semblance of thought processes going on.

it turns out that this is false. people are just wandering through life, hoping that they make it through the day by sheer luck and (rarely) ingenuity.

this is most evident when it comes to driving. the other day, mimi and i were taking a nice little stroll down church street (it might have been nice for her, but i was sweating out a lot of booze) and we observed a man literally roll through a green light. conversation is as follows:

mimi: well, my day is ruined.

ali: why?

mimi: the speed at which that man just drove his car through that green light seriously upset me.

i couldn't have said it better myself. i literally hate that guy.

driving isn't the only thing that causes me sheer and utter pain for having to deal with the mindless beings that wander this planet. no, no, there is something even worse: standing in line at the gas station.

there are some mornings where i run into the gas station right by my house to literally grab an $.86 can of diet coke. the cashier and i have worked out a cute little system - i throw him a dollar, he doesn't insult me by giving me back pennies and instead hands me a nickel and a dime, we smile, and i (very quickly) go on my merry way. some days, however, our routine is interrupted by very, very, very stupid people. and by this, i mean poor people buying lottery tickets.

the lottery is one of those things that someone very smart must have invented because they don't suffer from the same misconception that i do. they realized right off the bat that people are generally dumber than sacks of shit. please people, you're buying lotto tickets. i can tell by the way you are dressed slash smell that you are poor. how about you pay your fucking rent or your water bill? just a suggestion. you're not gonna make it big, i promise. you might win another lottery ticket or $10, but i know you're just gonna blow that $10 on more lottery tickets, so how about we nip this ridiculous cycle in the bud, there, sweetie? i'm just looking out for your best interests.

another place where you can find a treasure trove of simple-minded plebians is any internet site that allows commenting. youtube, political commentary, anything - filled with statements like "u don kno meee!!111!!" "lolz at teh kewtie!!" "faggit" "kill urself ur so dum" and "w00t!!1!" i can't get into it any further than this; it gives me a headache.

sometimes, people make me want to kill myself. love/hate relationship. i'm sure you understand.

mimi: i fear the king will kill me in my sleep.

ok so i'm just going to be blunt: fast food mascots scare the fucking bejesus out of me. for real. i have jumped out planes, gone canyoning through the swiss alps, and carried a rather large snake around a room for hours so as you can see, most things in life do not scare me. in fact, i like to think of myself as a rather adventurous person who is more than willing to try new (and potentially dangerous) things. masochistic, maybe; fearful; mostly no.

when i turn the tv on though, and one of those mascots jumps on the screen, well, i die a little bit inside, and i may or may not scream out in fear depending on the scenario. but seriously, ronald mcdonald you creepy creepy pseudo-clown please remove yourself from the area where the children play...you may or may not be a bit pedophile-ish. whenever i see you, i'm kind of reminded of my friends weird uncle who insists on hugging me even though ive only met him twice. also, your bff is a big ball of purple hair aka grimmace, so you know, enough said. the taco bell dog....not scary, but extraordinarily annoying. upon viewing one of these commercials i would pretty much hear that squeaky voice in my dreams (slash nightmares, pronounced nightmeres) for about a week afterwards. wendy, well you are a ginger and make me think of what might happen if ronald mcdonald and pippy longstocking had a love child. also you promote square hamburgers and therefore, i cannot subscribe to you.

now those characters mentioned above are weird, creepy, and well quite, unnatural, but one mascot does rise above the rest in the race of most disturbing semi-human used to promote pseudo-food. this menacing creature i speak of is the king or the mascot for burger king. anyone who has seen a burger king commercial in the past year can most certainly agree with me.

the first commercial i remember seeing, which starred the king, was one where he served an unsuspecting man breakfast in bed. the man was asleep in bed and upon waking he spots the king sitting on the edge of his bed holding a platter with a breakfast sandwich and hashbrowns from burger king on it. there may have been juice, i dont remember; i could check youtube, but i am wayy to lazy and scared to do any actual research on the king. what i do remember, is that instead of screaming out in fear, this man decided to take the breakfast from the masked man with incredibly girlish hands. please tell me that someone else has noticed the seriously tiny hands which the king rocks. its a bit unsettling. please note: mcdonalds breakfast is far superior to burger kings and had the king been serving me that well i may have been less inclined to punch him in the face. although, i still would have asked him to leave while i ate, because his presence pretty much induces vomit.

a more recent king commercial involves a sad, sad celebrity appearance by sir mix-a-lot. yes, sir mix-a-lot of i like big butts fame has gone the sell out route slash he needed cash so i guess in this current economic climate i should just give him a break. well, honestly, i could except for the fact that his commercial includes a very disturbing play on words...i like square butts. now, if weird al had created this song, i may be able to get behind it, but that is just not the case here (at least i dont think it is, again i did no real research). instead, this commercial involves girls with "phone book implants" shaking their square butts up and down for the camera and oh yea, the king. the fucking king is jumping around with all of these girls in his creepy mask and they are allowing him to put his girlish hands all over them. the worst part....this commercial is geared towards children. yes, the future of america and the world is currently running around shrieking at the top of their lungs "i like square butts and i cannot lie". little girls everywhere are shoving books in their pants to achieve that square butt which society has now thrust upon them. all the while, the king perma grins his way through and entices us with false meat treats.

ok so there is one more reason as to why i (ok im just going to say it) hate the king. this has nothing to do with burger king and everything to do with this kid i went to high school with. you see, he was on the tennis team and rather good so good that he in fact asked to be called ze king. no the "ze" is not a typo...he wanted to be called ze king and not just ze king but "zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzeeeeeeeeeeeeee king". i officially wanted to die when i heard this at about 16 years old and i refused. everybody else and i mean everybody, friends, teachers, the fucking principle, indulged him. they all called him zzzzzzzzzzzzzeeeeeeeeeeeeeee king. this may or may not be one of the reasons i ran as far away as nashville come graduation.

in reality, i guess the king never stood a chance in my book. oh well.

that's that,
mimi.

post script: i'll be honest, jared was a close second.

ali: an open letter to nasvhille drivers - "no, i don't have road rage, you just suck." (the second in a two-part series)

it's a well-known fact that i am an excellent driver. there are some that might disagree with you (jeff, who hangs on for dear life when i slam on the brakes), but overall, my driving skills are rather well-developed.

i used to think that everyone drove the same way i did - slightly aggressively but still politely. i will cut your ass off if you're going too slow, but i will use my turn signal while i do it, just so you have the heads-up that you're an asshole. i learned to drive from my mom (there are two things a bored housewife can do with her 16 year-old daughter: shop & teach her how to drive. and drink with her at the country club, but that's something i'd rather not get into at this moment in time). for those of you who don't know, my mom was raised in and learned how to drive in nebraska, population: 63. i have a vision in my mind of her driving a pickup truck down a dirt road while my grandfather screamed "slow down!" but this is probably just something i made up in my head. regardless, my mom learned to drive without anyone else around. she taught me how to drive as though there were no one else around, too. therefore, the skills of speeding and quick right turns were well-developed before i even got a license. (my parents used to let me drive home from the country club starting at age 14 because they thought it would be "good for me." i think they were just drunk.) ANYWAY, my mom advocated getting places quickly without dying, and that has always been my driving philosophy. this philosophy is something that people in nashville do not share.

1. if i am driving 65 miles an hour and you get in front of me, if you slow down, i will literally figure out a way to hack into the dmv files, find out where you live, and i will leave a smoke bomb in your mailbox. if you have to speed up to get in front of someone, MAINTAIN THAT SPEED. jesus, it's not that fucking hard. someone is driving along at a decent speed, and you pull in front of them and slow down, that slows everyone down that is behind them. figure it out. which brings me to my next point...

2. braking on the interstate. if you take your foot off the gas, the car slows down. "what?!" some of you are thinking to yourselves. "i don't have to slam on my brakes if i want to go from 70 to 65? stop with all of this craziness!" well, i hate to blow your mind, but no, you can simply take your foot off the gas and... wait for it... let the car slow down on its own! i understand your world might be slightly upside down right now, but you are a better person for having learned this lesson, trust me.

2a. exception to this rule: when some asshole gets in front of you and slows down, by all means, use your brakes.

3. oh, hey there, are you making a left turn? well, that's cool, so am i. you know what would be really cool? if you pulled into the motherfucking intersection so that everyone has a chance to take advantage of those 15 seconds while the light is yellow and the other fuckers have stopped coming. if i have to sit through another red light while you mosey on through the intersection, i hope to god you are stopped at the next red light and i can follow you for a while and tailgate the shit out of you, you asshole. which brings me to my next point... (i love how these are all related. it's a testament to how much nashville drivers actually suck dick.)

4. when you are turning onto another street, it is actually against the law to pull into any lane other than the one you are closest to. if you are making a right hand turn, either at a light or a stop sign, and you do not pull into the farthest right lane, you are literally committing a crime. pull into the right lane, drive for 30 seconds and then, USING YOUR TURN SIGNAL, move over into the lane you need to be in. it's not that hard, and it really does save everyone a headache. i don't have the time nor the patience to divine what lane you need to be in. it's not my job to psychically figure out that you're going to be making a left onto 13th so it would be really convenient if you could just jump into that left lane from 12th onto wedgewood. no. just NO.

there are so many more points i could make, but i lack the energy to really get into anymore shitty nashville driving habits. being this angry exhausts me. it's naptime.

mimi: dear nashville, please learn how to drive. love always, mimi (this is the first blog in a two blog series)

before i can fully begin to assess the level of shitty driving that i encounter on a daily basis in my city of residence, nashville, i must openly admit to some things....i dont want to be called a hypocrite you know. first and foremost, yes, my driving record is not the best. unfortunately, i have been pulled over for going 95 in a 65, but to my defense, it was 5 am and no one else was on the goddamned road except for me and sadly the po. also accidents, ive been in quite a few....again though, only one was my fault and that was six years ago now. the others were all me getting rear ended. no, i do not stop short a lot, people just love crashing into the back of my car. please, dont ask me why, i dont have the answer. since i know this will be brought into question: i am a woman and i did learn how to drive in jers. these are two things that may work against me in a court of can mimi decide who is a good driver and who is not. well let me say this, i have never been in any serious accidents, i have survived fifteen hours of driving in a car alone on serious lack of sleep, and well, honestly, i feel as if i have the right to bitch about anything i want to (otherwise why on earth would i write this blog?)....so without any further introduction; things i despise about driving in nashville.

1. the blinker: use your fucking blinker you fucking shitty nashville fucking drivers that dont understand what that stick on the side of your steering wheel is fucking for. people in jers may drive like maniacs (myself included) but with proper blinker usage all parties are warned ahead of time whether it be a turn or a lane change. im just saying so many accidents could be avoided if blinkers were used. also if im waiting to turn off of a street that you are driving like 5 fucking mph down and then all of a sudden you make a right onto the street that i am on...well thats just fucking rude. i could have gone like fifteen minutes ago you slow fuck. it is a known fact that i hate people who dont use their blinkers. i use my blinker to pull into my fucking drive way in jers which is at the end of a dead end. if i were a cop, i would only pull over people who didnt use their blinkers. yes, i'd be a shitty cop, but at least the world would be full of a lot more blinking lights. case in point....use your blinker. also, now that i have gotten all of that unnecessary anger out we can continue with a lot less use of the word fuck or any variation on that.

2. right turns: most right turns are designed to be taken at about 10 to 20 mph, depending on the vehicle in question. i know this because i took about 4 classes on traffic/transportation engineering during undergrad so please dont question my credentials. in nashville though, most people take right turns at 5 mph or less. this causes a lot of unnecessary braking, which causes a lot of unnecessary use of gas. therefore, nashville, you are costing me about $5 to $10 extra in gas a week. yes, i did the math and yes, that last statement was false...seeing as i actually pulled the number out of my ass. but since time is money, i see this as a fair assessment. let's just say, i hate having to slow down for people who insist on taking a wide right turn at 2 mph when i surely know that i am going to whip my definitely more likely to tip suv around the corner at about 12 mph. im just saying.....

3. the acceleration ramp: do not, i repeat do not, stop your car on the acceleration ramp unless of course, there is a stop or yield sign, in which case you would not even be on the acceleration ramp. for those of you who dont know, the acceleration ramp is the ramp used to enter a highway aka the ramp you accelerate on so that once you reach the highway you are going about 5 mph under the speed limit or faster. therefore, like it or not nashville, i will be accelerating on this stretch of road. if you stop at the end of it because you have to make sure there are no cars, then you, my dear, are a shitty shitty driver. that is what your mirrors are for. also i will most likely have to swerve not to hit you and step on my brake...again causing me to lose unnecessary amounts of gas.

4. the gas crisis: this has nothing to do with actual ability to drive, but everything to do with the fact that once placed in a car most nashvillians turn into tards. case in point: the gas crisis last fall. we brought it on ourselves and that's really all i have to say about that.

so please nashville, learn how to drive or get a better public transportation system....i am begging you.

dont hold it against me,
mimi.

post script: it feels good to be back in action, even if my grammar has only improved slightly.

ali: snobbery, restraurant style.

i'm well aware that it has been a while. i could claim that i am "super busy" (nope, still don't have a real job) or that i was "uninspired" (no again, been complaining out loud for the past month, but still haven't written anything.) truth is, i'm just lazy. it's easier to lay in bed and watch tv than it is to lay in bed and write. buuttt, without futher ado, the sabbatical is over, and i am going to educate you on acceptable and unacceptable dining establishments. (the word restaurant is really hard for me to spell, and i plan to use it as little as possible.) 

on the list of acceptable is any independently owned restaurant. in fact, there is a whole website at your disposal - nashvilleoriginals.com. the fact that i work at an independently-owned "casual fine dining" establishment is entirely besides the point. the truth is, if i wanted to be involved in the world of corporate shitheads, i would still work at the brfs. so, do yourself a favor, put down the carraba's to-go menu, and join us in the world of local entrepreneurs and, even better, locally grown food. it's worth your time. i would call myself a food snob, but i don't really enjoy food that much. still, i have an opinion, and i'm going to share it. you may call it snobbery, but it's not snobbery when you can back it up. 

that brings me to a quick list of unacceptable places to eat. i find no explanation necessary other than stating that they all SUCK and should never be frequented. 

1. carraba's. (it's headquarters are in tampa, fl. i believe this says more about them than i ever could.)

2. outback steakhouse. 

(word on the street is that there exist certain places where the two establishments share the same building. i would refer to this as either the second or third circle of hell, depending on what you order.)

3. bravo.

4. amerigo's. (i recently learned that this is a southern pheonomenon. southern people are craaaazy.)

5. olive garden. 

6. sizzler.

7. texas roadhouse.

8. applebee's (more like crapplebee's, am i right?)

9. ruby tuesday's. 

10. (tie) planet hollywood, tgi friday's, johnny rocket's, logan's. 

chain restaurants worth dining at are few and far between. there are some worthy of your time and money, but for specific reasons. they are as follows: 

1. chili's. they facilitated my (and every other vandy kid's) underage drinking for 3 years. plus, the discovery of drinking on the card was one of the most beautiful moments in all of our lives. also, where else would we have gone post-tailgaiting instead of the football games? logan's? i think not. 

2. red lobster. one word. biscuits. 

3. the hard rock cafe. although the food is shitty, and the atmosphere totally 90s, the hard rock cafe remains near and dear to my heart for one reason: spain. it is only acceptable to eat at the hard rock on foreign soil, and, no, canada does not count. i will get drunk at the one on clifton hill, though, that's okay. 

4. rainforest cafe. the food isn't just shitty, it's TERRIBLE, but they suck me in every time with those jungle animals and "thunderstorms." love it. 

5. maggiano's. if you ever have to eat chain italian food (and i recommend that you don't cause, gross), eat at maggiano's. it's a little pretentious with their fucking sign light-bulb sign on west end and that goddamned piano, but it's the only chain italian place that has decent food. also, it's cleaner than all the rest. 

6. cracker barrel. their okra is fucking good, and where else can you find a little frog that croaks out songs for your garden or a sweatshirt for an adult that says "grandma's angel" in glitter writing? eating and shopping, need i say more?

7. pf chang's. so, it's not legit chinese food (the pf stands for paul fleming - what an asshole) but it's good. and there's little to no chance that you might accidentally eat a dog or catch salmonella. best of both worlds. 

8. bahama breeze. they have some of the most delicious drinks; however, after a bad experience with rum, i don't know if i will ever be able to drink there again. sad day for me. 

9. waffle house. only acceptable under the most strict conditions, please acquire a breathalyzer. i'll wait. blow into it. if your BAC is below .15, you may not, i repeat MAY NOT eat at waffle house. over .15? have at it. have some hashbrowns for me. 

10. dave & busters. one of the few eating establishments that i have been blackout drunk in. (others include chilis, duh, and cabana). i have never been thrown out of dave & buster's, though i know for a fact that i have caused quite a few scenes. for this, i thank you. 

runner-up: boston pizza. unless you are from western new york or (god forbid) actual canada, chances are, you've never heard of boston pizza. it's basically a dave & buster's rip off, with two extra-special exceptions: bruschetta pizza and the twisted rocket. if you've never had either of these, get to clifton hill immediately. it's literally worth the trip. (also, you can see niagara falls, which is pretty cool, too.)

to sum it all up: support local business, avoid carraba's because it is gross, and get to niagara falls, ontario immediately. 

you know you missed me. 

post script: recently recieved text message from mimi: "carrabas i hate you." i couldn't have said it better myself.

mimi: change of heart

so i was going to post about god and how he is potentially an incredibly intelligent lego obsessed kid with the emotional capabilities of a twelve year old who may or may not be fat. you be the judge, i like to pretend his weight fluctuates with the amount of death/destruction he has deemed appropriate for the time period. unfortunately, i've decided that i may not be ready to visit the seventh circle of hell aka check back next week for this post. hopefully, i will have bought some stronger spf by then.

instead, im going to cop out and make a list.....but i can promise you this much, this list will forever alter your life. seriously, here are the top five things i learned slash discovered this weekend.

5. ru paul's drag race: sunday afternoon i turned the tv on and there it was...the most glorious show in all of reality tv-dom. let me give you some history for those of you not in the know; ru paul is the drag queen to end all drag queens. the first supermodel drag queen. to sum it up, her morning show helped relaunch wktu as the party station we all love to hate in the city. wktu people...this is serious business. well it turns out that since the end of that morning show, rupaul did not in fact fall off of the face of the earth like i had previously assumed...no no no, she was just doing her tranny thing waiting for the world to notice her fiercesiosity (good made up word?) again, and notice we did. thus rupauls drag race was born. essentially she is searching for the next drag superstar. basically this show is like americas next top model, except ten gatrillion times better. case in point: at the end of each episode their is a lip sync off to decide who goes home. right before this occurs, rupaul informs her minions that they will have to "lip sync for their life". wow, just wow. needless to say i watched the whole marathon and also made ali's new man potentially want to castrate himself after i informed her of the show while she was with him. sorry richarddddddd.

4. neon aztec is in fact a print that exists in real life and now my closet. the series of events, which led up to this were: i walked into a vintage store; i looked up; god shined his holy light on the mannequin; a chorus of angels began to sing; birds picked up the dress and draped over my body; it fit perfectly; i bought it for a 20 spot; life was fucking rad.

ok im going to be honest...i want to go to sleep so im going to stop here and ali wants to post so im publishing this post. sorry if i suck. sorry if my life is more than internet pseudo-humor. i promise you this though, your survival is not hanging in the balance.

mimi.

post script: i have no post script.

ali: the hierarchy

there is one thing that has been there for me throughout my entire adult life. every problem, every trial that i've been forced to endure, my constant battles with various people and/or phobias, every midterm and final, every strife that i've had to overcome that made me the person i am today. 

diet coke. 

diet coke is one of the few simple pleasures in life that has never let me down. diet coke is a constant source of energy, a hangover cure, a delightful drink that can conceivably solve every problem i've ever had. that being said, diet coke is not a godsend in all of it's forms; in fact, it is a rather fickle mistress. and now, the hierarchy:

5. diet coke in a 2 liter bottle is quite possibly the saddest sight i have ever seen. it just sits there, lonely and awkward, on the supermarket shelf. things get even worse when you try to drink it. it's never cold enough in that plastic bottle, and it gets flat 30 seconds after you open it. think twice about trying to keep that fucker for more than a week. 

4. 16 oz. plastic bottles share their problems with the 2 liter. always too warm - minus 1 point. who can drink 16 ozs of diet coke in one sitting - minus 2 points. 3 hours after you open it, you might think, "oh, i have a little diet coke left. it's just sitting there, tempting me." do NOT drink it. it will be flat and warm, the worst diet coke combination known to man, and you will curse the day diet coke was invented. FAIL. 

3. it's a big step up from the plastic bottles to diet coke in a can. diet coke in a can is always nice and cold, a refreshing drink after a long night of debauchery, an instant hangover cure, or something to relax with by the pool on a hot summer day. diet coke in a can is the perfect size - you can drink it quickly, and it's still cold when you finish it. i've never tried to shotgun a diet coke, but there is always that option. 

2. diet coke in a glass bottle would be number one, but its relative scarcity bumps it down to number 2. there are rare instances in which diet coke is available in glass bottles, but i can tell you that they have them in morristown, tn and birmingham, al. cross the mason-dixon line, though, and good luck. glass bottles are nice and chilly, a relatively good size, easy to hold, and there's no aluminum or plastic taste. it's perfect. 

1. fountain beverage diet coke is god's greatest gift to mankind. carbonated, over ice, easily accessible - the best combination for diet coke that exists. actually, to get into specifics, it really needs to be served in a flimsy paper cup and with giant cubes of ice to really be considered the best combo for diet coke. a diet coke fountain beverage is a little piece of heaven delivered by the angels at mcdonalds and wendys. i've never met a diet coke fountain beverage i didn't like (except this one time at sambuca when i was convinced that the waitress had lied to me that it was diet coke and we got into a fight about it). i seriously doubt that anything will ever satisfy me the way a diet coke fountain drink does. 

as you can tell, diet coke seriously affects my life on a daily basis, and i only have one rule to live by: never drink diet pepsi. it's so not classy, it tastes bad, and it goes flat in .2 seconds. i'm very seriously considering boycotting panera based on their support for pepsi-co. taco bell? also on my shit list. 

mimi: the big bang (part 2 of 2) - a life changing event.

when one hears the words "life changing event" images of graduations, exotic locations, and sexual experiences fill their thoughts. and it is true, that for most a significant turning point in their life can be marked by an ugly ass maroon/orange/whatever horrible color you can think of cap and gown or awkward teenage sex during which either premature ejaculation or a broken condom are involved. for me though, that turning point was much different, much more subtle, much more, shall i say, selfish. this day for me only involved a hairstylist and some carefully chosen tools (i.e. scissors, brush, comb, etc.). it was the day i got bangs. yes, i did just say that a major turning point in my life would be the day i got bangs. this day was about 2 years ago now and it will be a day that will go down in history as the day mimi got bangs and life as we know it was altered forever.

ok so it's not as serious as say war, famine, or the obesity epidemic plaguing the nation, which i'm told is getting worse due to the recession, but since, i am not a violent person, starved person, and/or fat chick, i will have to stand by my assertion that life before bangs was significantly worse. let me explain:

1. pimples: damn this combination skin of mine and the fact that pms still makes a few of these devilish blemishes show their ugly heads around, well, my head. unfortunately, random pimpies are still something that i contend with on a semi-regular basis. most of these random appearances can be spotted near the northern part of my face. before bangs, shoddy make up application and annoying amounts of creams that barely worked were my only line of defense against the little bastards. waking up in the morning with a particularly red one was almost a reason to skip class, but honestly, the engineering world waits for no one so i was forced to use one of the above methods to ease my situation. let me just say, a situation it was, no one wants to have promiscuous sex with the chick that has random pimpies at age 22. after bangs, the pimpies and i now live in unison; i dont feel the need to obliterate them because when they do decide to visit, no one can see them aka the magic of the thick, straight bang, which hangs out around the eyebrows. and speaking of which....

2. eyebrows: yes, bangs can be a major peacemaker when it comes to you and your eyebrows. you see, whether you spend copious amounts of money at the salon waxing your groucho-esque eyebrows or you over-plucked as a tween thus now paying the price as an adult aka thin, barely there eyebrows, bangs that land at or below your brows can be a serious aid to you and those within your vicinity. case in point, before bangs, i had to pay for a wax or pluck my own eyebrows and risk sufferring from the over-pluck, which many of us do on occassion. no matter how seasoned of a plucker you are...sometimes that last pluck was just one pluck to many. how many times can i say pluck or any form of the word in three sentences...apparently six. after bangs, i no longer need to pluck. yes, i do tend to the necessary clean up when needed, but on a regular basis, i just dont have to anymore. my bangs cover my brows. since my brows dont look like the fucking bushwomans, i'm covered...please note: if you do look like the bushwoman sans pluck, then bangs will not help aka this does not apply to you so please pluck on a regular basis.

3. style: bangs are chic. they are in, but only if you can pull them off (sorry ali...maybe you could get plastic surgery to fix that three head?). they look kick ass whether you rock that hippie chick style or you rock out in your 80's neon. really look in any magazine or on any runway...you find bangs. therefore, i feel no reason to argue this point further, since i am a drone and will do whatever current pop culture deems is cool.

4. the five head: honestly, i have a fucking five head, god maybe even a six/seven if my bony ass fingers can be legally used as an instrument to measure a forehead. before the long, straight, thick (i really thought that order through) bang, i tried a variety of looks that were intended to diminish my unnaturally large forehead....headbands, hats, hair in the face, even the side bang...nothing worked. it looked like maybe one night during my tween years, god decided to reach his mighty hand from the sky and stretch my forehead towards the heavens. i dont know why he found this necessary or why he was so focused on just the length of my forehead, but he was and honestly god, i was awkward enough at 12/13 did you really have to pull a bastard move like that? well, it took me years to figure it out, but i finally, did and after bangs, well the five head is hidden nicely and i look about a gatrillion times better....at least in my opinion and not to mention, the opinion of the obnoxious amount of boys who were suddenly pursuing me for promiscuous sex....maybe i imagined this last part.

so see, if you are as self-centered and looks conscious as i am, then you too can have a life changing experience that involves bangs.

but if you have a three head, dont say we didnt warn you.

mimi.

post script: my feet always fall fucking asleep. they are asleep now. see what i sacrifice for you dear readeres...the ability to walk like a normal human being.

ali: the big bang (part 1 of 2) - the curse of the threehead.

there are tons of things in life that i would like to be - the next edie sedgewick, an academy award winner, a martial arts expert, a reality tv star, a semi-professional juggler. the thing i really REALLY want to be though? the cool chick with the bangs. 

i will never be the cool chick with the bangs. i was cursed with the threehead. 

most people complain that their hairline is receding, that their forehead is too big, that there is too much space between their eyebrows and their hair. i wish that i had this problem. my eyebrows are too high, my hairline too low, and my forehead too small to have bangs. it is 100% a curse. 

when i was little, i tried to fix my threehead with a razor. i shaved off a quarter of an inch of my hairline, with the expected disastrous results. i was in like 5th grade, already awkward as HELL, and thought that this would be a brilliant idea. turned out that was false. 

when my hair grew out, i had bangs for 30 seconds, but EVERYONE had bangs in 6th and 7th grade. we thought we were sooo cool, having to "do our bangs" after gym and whatnot. what a fucking joke, we were all so lame. when those grew out, i just cut off all of my hair. 

i tried the side bangs for a while, but i kept getting hair in my eye. hair + contacts is not the best combination. also, my head is not wide enough for a major side part, and a major side part is required for the side-swept bangs. 

i've tried the under the chin layers, and those have worked out relatively well for me, but i've essentially had the same hair style for 6 years, varying only the color and (recently) the length. i can't help but long for really short front layers ala edie (my idol) or supahhh thick and long "in your eyes" bangs, jane birkin style. 

it's just not fair that my head fits into baby hats. i want to be the cool girl with bangs too. you guys know that i would look so much more legit and artsy with long, thick bangs and my super-nerdy glasses. 

the threehead is a curse. maybe i'll start a support group. 

mimi: advil, schmadvil.

Sickness is really not a main part of my life. I tend to be pretty healthy, can survive off of serious lack of sleep, and even when I get relatively wastey-face a hangover is really not a part of my next days repertoire. Now this last statement may or may not be due to the fact that I am an avid puker post-drink, but let’s save that for a later discussion. When the rare event occurs and I do acquire a sickness, well, it’s a pretty widely known fact that I will not take medicine. Unless I am a. basically about to collapse or b. made to stay in for more than three nights, I want nothing to do with meds. Keep your advils, Tylenols, peptos, and sudafeds for your own pansy-ass needs.

I have felt this way ever since I was a young child. When my mom would try to get me to swallow a tablespoon full of dimetap, my eight year old mouth would promptly spit it into the sink. Side note: purple dimetap was the only one worth swallowing….eventually as a child I would have to swallow because let’s be honest, mom force fed me. Known fact, while a foot shorter, my mom is much scarier than my dad, but I digress. During adolescence, my mom would try to get me to swallow these mammoth sized orange pills whenever I would get sick. Needless to say I wouldn’t because I have a serious fear of choking. Instead I would cry/scream until I didn’t have to, therefore, I actually took dimetap until I was about 12. I may have even taken it once or twice when I was 15 at a point when I was very sick so that I would not have to take one of those gargantuan pills. By 18 years old, mom gave up and let me be sick sans meds....thank god. Truth be told maybe I was a bit of a brat, maybe I still am, or maybe, just maybe, I am superwoman without the lousy leotard.

Did no one ever stop to think that maybe I didn't need medicine.
Maybe I have a superhuman immune system. Maybe my white blood cells are comparable to pirhannas; if it looks like it tastes good, they're going after it and by it I mean bacteria and viruses. Maybe the rest of your blood cells are comparable to polar bears....they're grizzly and get the job done, but lets be honest, extinction is creeping up on them. An extinct polar bear joke may or may not be funny, I dont know, I can't be the judge of these things and once I get the card, I most certainly cannot be held accountable for my own words. Seriously though, I'm just saying one children's tylenol will still cure my headache for 4 plus hours, while most of you crazies out there have to take 10 regular ones just to feel better for a couple of hours. Coincidence, I think not. Basically, I think medicine is unnecessary, but only for myself. If a friend came to me complaining of sickness, then I would tell them to take a Tylenol and shut their face (obviously I am a really good friend). 

Case in point: I have the immune system of wonder woman, batman, and keith richards combined.

Mull that over, call me later.

post script: I am deeply sorry for confusing all of you and actually using capital letters today.

ali: we're goin' to the chapel...

i never really thought i was going to get married. i was never one of those little girls who planned her wedding or played dress-up in a nightgown with my teddy bears as bridesmaids. no, you were more likely to find me cutting off the hair of my barbies or melting army men with a magnifying glass. in fact, i distinctly remember this exchange i had with one of my friends about my potential marriage.

we were watching some wedding show at jeanne's house, and the bride is WASTED. she's stumbling down the aisle, tripping over herself, knocking into the pews, and when she gets to the altar, she almost falls. the poor groom attempts to help steady her and she snaps, "i got it. i. got. it." jeff turns to me and says, "ali, if you ever get married, that's you." he was so right.

this past week, however, has made me realize that for the following reasons, i ain't never walking down the aisle in a white dress.

1. my own family is so crazy that i can't imagine EVER wanting to be a part of someone else's. for those of you who know my mother, she would probably get drunk and embarrass me, duh, my dad would make inappropriate racist jokes, my brother would just hang out with his friends and avoid socializing. also, i cannot mix social groups. there are "home friends," "work friends," and "school friends," and never the three shall meet.

2. i am super super super selfish. if anyone ever asked me to not do something so that we could a). move somewhere or b). raise a kid, i would have to answer with a vehement "NO." maybe it's just that i'm in my 20s, or maybe it's that i would rather die than have someone else dictate what i am going to do/where i am going to go in my life. i'm sorry, but i get unnecessarily angry when someone picks a restaurant i don't like (carraba's) or a movie i don't want to see (he's just not that into you). how am i going to live / coexist with another person?

3. white wedding? who am i kidding?

4. my grandfather left me money to get married when he died. there are much better things that i could do with that money, included but not limited to: opening a bar and getting plastic surgery.

5. my mom would never let me have a jop wedding, and real weddings / receptions are so complicated. it's a good excuse to have a party, but still: flowers, cake, band... so much responsibility, so little desire. 

if i ever do decide to take the plunge, mimi is going to have to be there dragging my wasted ass down the aisle. for those of you invited to the potential reception, there will be no flowers, you can wear jeans, and take advantage of that open bar. vodka & water with a splash of splenda for everyone. 

mimi: clothing again...i'm sorry, but it's necessary.

alright, yes, i am going to write about fashion faux pas' again. i'm not really sorry though because let's be honest, most of us deal with these on a day to day basis. it may be a friend, family member, stranger, or even your own sad closet situation...but they do exist and they do need to be discussed at length (at least in my opinion, they do). today's topic of discussion: everyday pieces of clothing/accessories that people buy in ridiculous colors, yet still wear everyday. if you own something that is meant for everyday use, then it probably shouldnt be neon pink (yes, this is me saying this), teal, pastel (which is really ugly and unacceptable in any case, but if you must), bright yellow, lime green, the list goes on....

in order to give you dear readers a better description of this dilemma, i will leave you with a list of clothing/accessories that if you must own in a crazy color, then you must own at least two.

1. northface: ahh the northface, every jappy northern girls go to jacket come the months of october through march. what was once a jacket meant for serious skiers has now been reduced to a tweens must have item. while the jacket does come in a variety of colors and patterns, it is a known fact that you should own one in gray, black, brown, white, or red (but even thats a stretch) before venturing out into the world that is the northface rainbow. if you insist on owning a northface in pink, aqua, yellow, etc. then please, please, please for the sake of your friends and family do NOT wear it every day. you are not on the slopes. if you fall down and cant get up, there are people around to help you. you will not need to be located by helicopter before the bears and coyotes get you. therefore, that lime green and pastel pink striped northface should only be allowed to see the light of day about once every two weeks, end of story.

2. ugg boots: actually i refuse to even discuss these, because if you still wear ugg boots then potentially i want nothing to do with you.

3. gloves: gloves, what a weird, but awesome accessory. perfect for driving cars without heated steering wheels and forming weapons of death (aka snowballs). otherwise gloves, you may or may not be useless unless i am climbing mount everest. here's the point....if you must be one of those people who wears gloves everyday, then please do not be the girl who wears the orange gloves everyday. no one wants to be her friend, at least not when she is in the gloves....and yes, they will be referred to as THE gloves. i actually think it should be a law that gloves only be sold in black, brown, and gray. of course, that law would exclude fingerless gloves because fingerless gloves are almost always worn in jest (and never everyday) so they are more fun when bought in a variety of colors. in fact, this rule may work backwards for fingerless gloves; only leather fingerless gloves should come in brown, black, or gray.

4. earrings: potentially, one of the most fun accessories a girl (or guy) can own. they come in a variety of colors, shapes, and sizes, as they should. i, myself, own black pirate ships, large colorful hoops, and gold shiny spirals (for the holidays duhhh). but then again, i also own simple studs. it becomes a serious problem when the only earrings you walk out of your house in are large blue balls with pink polka dots or bumble bee guitar picks. wearing the same eccentric earrings everyday makes you potentially insane, not an individual. the only person who can get away with wearing the same absurd ear baubles everyday is luna lovegood (see harry potter characters)....otherwise for the sake of all involved please refrain from wearing the zebras all the time.

5. flip-flops: ok, ok, i wont lie when old navy used to (i say used to because honestly i havent been in there in years, the cut of their clothing does nothing for my figure, but i digress) sell the flip-flops in every color...well, yes, i owned them in every damn color. then again, that would include brown, black, and gray so i was still following my own rules, thank god. anyway, flip-flops are fun in a multitude of colors, i will give you that, but you shouldn't wear the neon pink ones every day. in fact you might just want to save those for the beach/pool/barbie costume. brown/black flip-flops pretty much match any outfit and therefore, should be the go to ones in your collection. do not, i repeat do not, wear the orangey-orange ones out on a dinner date even if they do match your outfit. ughhh tacky. and boys...please stay away from flip-flops, which fall on any piece of the color spectrum...it just looks, well, lame.

so there you have it....a brief list of items which must be owned in multiples if they are to be owned in a variety of colors. i hope you just got a little bit more fashion conscious aka you can thank me later. thank god i finally got to say aka once in this post.


ahhhhh i'm out.
mimi.

post script: cds i bought today....lily allen, bloc party, and lady gaga (hey, you can't knock the gog's; she has mastered the art of being pantless).

ali: "sorry, that just really freaks me out."

i have a number of what you might call "phobias." they're not things that normal people are afraid of, like the dark or heights or bugs. no, no, mine are slightly more specific. 

1. being buried alive: i am literally terrified of being buried alive. thanks, mom, for giving me books of edgar allen poe's stories when i was little. i will never, ever forget reading "the fall of the house of usher" or "the cask of amontillado." they were in this collection of books called "little big books" and they were basically classics that were dumbed down enough for little kids to read. the editors and publishers, however, chose not to make them any less traumatizing, apparently. i freaked out when i had to re-read these stories in high school. so, mom, thanks, cause not only do i worry about being buried alive EVERY DAY, but everyone in 1st period english at the academy thought i was weird. 

2. people with missing limbs: another thing i can blame on my mom. roald dahl's short story "the swan," in which a kid kills a swan and cuts off its wings and makes another little kid wear them is the most graphic story i have ever read. i've only read it once, but i still remember like super specific details. mom, why did you give me that story to read? ugh. you should have screened these things before you gave them to me. i was just an impressionable child. this story has manifested itself in a fear of people with missing limbs. if i see someone missing an arm or a leg or even a finger, i can't look. thanks to therapy, i no longer scream and run away; now, i just scream a little bit on the inside. i can totally watch anything dealing with blood or surgeries, but if amputation comes up, i'm done for. over the summer, my mom was watching something on tv that she wanted me to come look at. it was about a woman who went into the hospital with an infection and came out with NO HANDS OR FEET. ahh, moommmm, why are you trying to ruin my life?

3. umbrellas: i'm not afraid of umbrellas per se, but i have concocted this super elaborate scenario in my head which consists of me walking down the street with an umbrella and accidentally lifting up some poor man's toupee. how embarrassing for everyone involved. if this were ever to happen to anyone, it would happen to me. in my head it plays out like this:

me: excuse me, sir, you seem to have lost something. 

baldy: oh, thank you ma'am.

and then he goes to take his toupee off of my fucking umbrella and it's stuck. 

me: sir, i apologize for this inconvenience. here, take this umbrella for your trouble. 

baldy: thank you. 

and then i would never carry an umbrella again. 

i don't know how to blame this one on my mom, but if i think about it for a while, i'm sure i can come up with something. 

4. eating in public with strangers: lunch/dinner dates are the worst. i hate hate hate the sounds of other people chewing, when people slurp their soup, using utensils in restaurants, drinking with dinner, and spilling stuff on myself. all of these things tend to happen when i have to eat in public. why would you go out to lunch or dinner when you don't know someone well? the combination of eating and talking is always super awkward, someone usually gets drunk, you don't want to complain about anything since you don't want to risk looking like a shrew, and because you're nervous, you'll probably spill and/or drop something. whyyyyy would you want to subject yourself to any of that? ahhh, i'm freaking out just thinking about it. 

there are dozens more, but these are the few that affect my life on a daily basis. i know they're weird, but, hey, who ever said i was normal?

mimi: grosssssssssss

before i begin, i must state two things:

1. i would like to correct my latest entry...the cigs were in fact bradley cooper's and not javier's. i do, however, stand by original opinion...the movie was horribly obnoxious.

2. fmylife.com aka the funniest website ever (aside from this blog).

in other news, i would like to discuss something very near and dear to all of us....ugly articles of clothing. we all own them, and most of us have the good sense not to wear them out of the house, and if we do, then it was purely meant in jest. for instance, i own a pair of thermal leggings...cream with little pink flowers...easily the dorkiest pair of pseudo-pants ever created. i always wore them to steve (aka stevenson library) to study with ali last year... let's be serious, i would do this out of sheer amusement. ali always did get the best "oh-mimi-i-am-soooooo-pissed" looks on her face when i came out of my room and that was worth the ridiculousness of wearing the therms (with the large black lace up boots, of course).

however, we all have those friends who own, slash constantly wear, that shirt or dress or jacket or etc. etc. etc., which just looks horrible. HORRIBLE, like you cringe every time you see them in it. a little part of you might die inside if you see he/she in that disgusting excuse for clothing again. i know, i know... it's immature, superficial, and mean, but i ALSO know that those of you reading this are nodding in agreement, whether it be a violent shaking of the head or a quiet cock of the chin. if you can honestly say that you do not agree with me, then you sir, own that ugly piece of garb, which your beloveds cringe at every time you allow it to see daylight or a lightbulb.

unfortunately, since i am not here to hurt feelings, i will only mention one example of this rampant phenomenon....the ugly scarf collection of an ex-friend (name withheld). she had a good 20-30 scarves; all pastel, all fuzzy, and all hideous. thank god its only cold in nashville for three months and therefore, i only had to put up with them for a quarter of a year...still, it was a lot to ask of someone who takes pride in her personal style. anyway the point, the ugliest of all the ugly scarves was pastel pink and fuzzy to the point where she left a trail behind her. please divert your attention to the picture above and as you can see, no need for bread crumbs in our forest loves! this scarf resembled something your mother might have bought you when you were 8 and a little girl, who liked little girl things (i.e., barbies, stick on earrings, and scrunchies). even so, you still would have told your mom it was disgusting and that you wouldnt be seen in such a juvenile accessory (obviously not in so many words, but still). the point is, you would hypothetically be an 8 year old saying this....my ex friend was anywhere from age 18 to 22 wearing this scarf. who knows it may still be dancing around her 23 year old neck as we speak. lucky for me, i dont have to see it anymore. honestly, i almost burned the thing last year. ughhh where were stacy and clinton when i needed them???

yes, it's true, a person can possess such hatred towards a single article of clothing or an accessory. case in point: me.

peace kidsssss,
mimi.


post script: did i mention that the same chick also owned light blue gloves that wouldnt keep a hamster warm in a toaster?

ali: 'cause you're hot and you're cold...

for the most part, tha kath and i are getting along great. she doesn't mind that i get drunk during the day (like right now) and i guess i don't mind it when she lectures me on having a career or something silly like that. she might make fun of the tv shows i watch, but i know she secretly loves it. i might complain that she's ALWAYS on the phone (surprising, considering how much she screens my calls), but i don't really care. we are, however, battling it out over one thing: the temperature situation. 

i hate being too warm. i would rather freeze than sweat to death. i like it to be a balmy 58 degrees, inside and out. i sleep under one blanket, no more, and in shorts and a t-shirt. kath, on the other hand, prefers her house to be approximately 97 degrees. i can't take it. maybe my body temperature is unnaturally high, but i don't think it's just me. 

the other day, when the house was a warm 66 degrees, kath was passive-aggressively walking around in her northface. is she trying to tell me something? i was walking around in a jean skirt and a white tee, and she was making comments like "wow, it's a little chilly in here, i just don't know why it's so cold." on top of the northface situation, i come home the other day to find her not only in a jacket, but also wearing a hat and sitting in front of a space heater. what is this?

there's no middle ground here, no compromising. even if the heat is set at 70 degrees, i'm sweating and kath is walking around in a sweater. this is not "sweater inside" weather. also, we play a passive-aggressive "turn the heat up or down" game. every time i'm here by myself, it's nice and cool,  but every time i come back, i discover that it's approximately 80 in here. the other night, it was a comfortable 60, but i knew kath would kill me if it was that cold when she came home. so, i turned the heat up and drank like ten glasses of water in an attempt to lower my body temperature. things that happened: i had to pee, and i couldn't sleep because it was too hot. i finally fell asleep after kath came home at 2:30 in the morning (what a party animal) and i secretly turned the heat down. 

kath tried to turn up the heat this morning while i was here, and i caught her. busted. 

i don't know - maybe it's me. i might wear flip-flops in 30 degree weather. i might bust out shorts as soon as the thermometer hits 50. i might sit outside when its 20 degrees just to smoke a cigarette. it's possible that i've played in the snow in nothing but yoga pants and a long sleeve shirt. i may not wear a coat when it's below freezing. 

but still... wearing a northface and breaking out the space heater when it's only 50 degrees out? not normal. 

mimi: shocked and appalled, and not in the cool way.

alright, i've been promising this new post for a while but let's be honest, i suck at keeping promises. besides the point....i was finally inspired to write two days ago. aka the day that i saw the worst movie of my life. i know that is a juvenile way to describe something, but honestly, i could not think of a better way to put things.

he's just not that into you...the culprit.
easily the most pathetic image of women ever shown on the big screen. the worst part, it was meant to mirror reality. even worse, women everywhere love it. hold on i have to go vom.

while the message of the book was a very legit, needed message; the movie neither reflected nor embraced said message (yes, that was poor semicolon usage). also let me say before i begin, i have acted like a complete moron around/about/with/over/etc. guys, so i do not think that i am the quote-unquote exception. i just think that this movie was a disgusting portrayal of women and how they may or may not interact with men (aka boys, because few are actually men).

so as an explanation for my hatred i will leave you with a character break down.

jennifer aniston's character (because let's be honest their names dont matter): yes, she was probably the least pathetic of the mentally abused, but does she ever express exactly how she feels to her beau, aka ben affleck? no. she just says if you wont marry me, im leaving. what the fuck...no one likes an ultimatum jen, didn't you learn anything from your time with brad?? you could have asked if he didnt like marriage or marriage to you. even better, you could have explained to him why a wedding was important to you; childhood dream, dying father, etc. also at the end of the movie, you figure out that you miss him and take him back before he even attempts to grovel. jen...this is why angie has a beautiful biracial family with your ex and you are stuck with pseudo-homosexual john mayer.

jennifer connelly's character: ok, 1. the only one married and she was a total shrew. 2. poor javier, because he just needed a smoke around that bitch (yes, those cigs belonged to javier and company not bradley cooper....ughhh, huge misconception). so, jennifer, your husband cheats and what do you do...you dont yell, you dont make a scene, you dont curse, you dont even make him sleep on the couch. now, yes those things dont remedy the situation, but they do make you feel damn empowered in the moment. what does that chick do? she tells him they'll work it out and they continue shopping together at home depot for the grill they will never use. ugh, who even wants to be at home depot with their lame husband in the first place? if he's cheating; im out of there, he's walking, and im picking up the first hot, young ass i see. ok, i am getting carried away, but stilllll. then to make matters worse, he is about to fuck scarlett johansson's character when jennifer connelly's shows up at the office. he hides scarlett in the closet and jennifer proceeds to trip over herself seducing him. SAD. also, who wears a bustier underneath their work attire? answer: no one. needless to say, brad disses her because come on, scarlett is in the closet and that is one tough act to follow. they get divorced, obviously...but in real life, it would have been because bradley left jennifer for scarlett and not because jennifer all of the sudden woke up....especially after that abysmal performance in the bustier made for someone ten years her junior.

scarlett johansson's character: yes, the only strong one. she had kevin connollly wrapped around her finger, but not the middle one because they weren't fucking. sad, because he is wayy hotter than bradely cooper, but i digress. so instead of making her an awesomely strong woman who has morals, they made her a whore. of course...because a woman cant be strong and in control, unless she is a whore. because women can only be in control of sex...nothing important, like their jobs or careers or even families. fuck you, screenwriters.

ginnifer goodwin's character (aka gigi aka the worst character with a horrible name): true story, we all know at least one gigi. another true story, if you are really her friend, you tell her she's insane and she has to do these inane things behind your back. secret text...duhhhh. this girl is supposed to embody the type of chick who severely needs the books help, which she does. justin long is supposed to be the guy who sets her straight and for a second, he does. then it all goes wrong at the party. he really doesnt give her any signs that he might be into her....he gives her signs that he feels bad for her aka he pities her. he did not hide his own feelings because they did not exist. gigi, disregarding all of the "rules", throws herself at him. he is obviously hanging out with a hotter chick at the end of the party, he barely talked to her during it, andddd he didnt do exactly what he said a guy would if they liked her...he didnt ask her out, once! so after he rejects her come ons and by come ons, i mean her attempt to rape him, she doesnt leave....no, let's not save face ginnifer. she instead proceeds to lecture him about his pitiful life and his inability to fall in love slash commit. she could not have embarrased herself more. this poor guy was made to feel so bad about a scenario, which she made up in her head, that he had to date her and make her his quote-unquote exception. therefore, the message of the book was totally lost on her and their pseudo-relationship.

drew barrymore's character: she was great. although, she only had ten minutes of screen time so she didn't get the chance to prove herself retarded.

so that is why i hated the movie, i hated the characters, and i want to ban drew barrymore from ever producing a movie about women again. someone start the cock hunt because i smell a tranny.

later lovers,
mimi.

post script: ethan, why are you the nate of 90210?

ali: confessions of a film snob

as a tried and true film snob, i attempt to use words like "self-conscious" and "artificial" in regards to movies on a daily basis, especially around people who have never taken a film theory class. i really enjoy name-dropping francois truffaut and akira kurosawa into casual conversation, and then explaining who they are to those less educated than i am.

despite all this, however, i have a confession to make: i am a tv junkie. i will watch anything, especially if it has the words "law & order" in the title. i don't like to admit this to most people. but tv is an addiction, and if we're going to be friends (or already are), you have to know about it.

 

there are few things i love more than the lifetime movie network. the best movies on that channel are the ones that have a synopsis right in the title, like "a man beat me and my children: the linda lou collins story." right away, you know what you're getting yourself into, and there are no surprises when linda lou's husband starts beating her AND the children. plus, lifetime original programming? army wives and strong medicine? so melodramatic, so great. 

i will watch law & order marathons and not be bored for a single second. it doesn't matter what kind of l&o it is, even the short-lived and pretty awful "trial by jury," it's not a big deal. there are some episodes of svu that i've seen at least 5 times, but if it's law & order versus something else i've never seen, l&o all the way. the best recent episode of law & order: svu was an animal smuggling case. (like what does that have to do with rape / child abuse? nothing, and it's awesome.) they found a monkey inside a BASKETBALL. i can't make this shit up. the writers are on crack, and i love it. also, there's nothing better than a "ripped from the headlines" episode, when the names are very subtly disguised. and by subtle, i mean someone with an iq of 45 would know what they are talking about. example: say the episode was about someone real named jason glass; the l&o name would be jacob plastic. unreal. 

even though it was only on for six episodes, there is a god, and he brought us momma's boys. that show had all of the elements that make any other reality tv show great. #1 - racebaiting ala the real world. #2 - dramatic elimination, standard. awesome twist - the girls get TEXTED as to whether they are safe or up for elimination. getting broken up with via text is way more humiliating than any other form of communication, including e-mail and im, so the fact that the boys text them, “sorry, it's a no” could not be more awesome. #3 - moms make any reality show great. parental control is one of the best concepts ever, and instead of just a few girls from the parents to choose from, this show started out with at least 30. great recipe – well played, ryan seacrest productions.  

it hasn't premiered yet, but "t.i.'s road to redemption" looks phenomenal. t.i., who is doing community service so he hopefully doesn't have to go to JAIL for GUN POSSESSION, goes on a trip for 45 days, 1,000 hours of community service, to help troubled teens across america. bring. it. on. i guarantee this will be amazing, and most people will never know it, because most people hate bad reality tv. (most people are not me & mimi.) 

last but not least: nip/tuck. this show is so unbelievably bad that it is amazing. soft-core porn, murders, rapes, incest, extramarital affairs, drugs, team-switching - the list goes on and on... and to top it all of, the setting is cosmetic surgery practice. there is more drama on one season of nip/tuck than there has been on all fifty years of guiding light. (although no one's identical twin has showed up - yet. i can only hope that matt - julia's child with christian that sean raised as his for 18 years and who slept with his half-sister - has a twin out there somewhere.) nip/tuck is a must-watch if you enjoy naked people or graphic boob jobs. 

even though I'm a super-geeky film snob, tv is my first love. don't be one of those "i don't own a television, i'm so above that" kind of people. love it, indulge in your guilty pleasure. you know you want to. flip on mtv and watch a marathon of “next.”  you won't regret it. 

ps. matsu, that was my apple, bro. thank god for tool academy. 

mimi: buffalo ranch sauce

let's be honest, the inclusion or lack of sauce can make or break any, no ANY, meal. french fries always need sauce; ketchup, mustard, bbq, etc. if you think otherwise, then please stop reading now as you are not the type of person that i wish to associate with, including through my blog. back to the sauce though, the type of sauce you use can also tell a lot about the kind of person you are. for instance, buffalo wings, are you a blue cheese or a ranch or do you live dangerously.....lack of sauce!! oh, that hurts my tongue even just to think about.

now, i have searched the sauce world up and down...you might call me a connoisseur of sorts. i've had your spicy mustards, your soys, your multitude of salad dressings (yes, salad dressings are classified as sauces and if you must discuss, then by all means comment below.....this is just a ruse to get you to comment). that last sentence wasn't really a sentence, but i didnt know where it was going so i just stuck a period on the end. i've even had heinz 57, which is also a discussion for another time since it is a weird mixture of bbq and ketchup and im not quite that its existence should continue. my go to sauce though is hot sauce....really any variety will do, but if i had to choose, well, cholula would be the best. anybody who knows and understands sauce would agree.

the point of this blog...about three years ago i found the god of all sauces. basically, this sauce is a reason to stop using other sauces altogether, except maybe salad dressings. it is perfect with almost any kind of food that might indeed call for a sauce. this magical sauce of all sauces is wendy's buffalo ranch sauce. it is pure joy. it is the perfect mixture of hot buffalo and mild ranch. it is slightly bizarre, yet quite amazing. really, it is just the perfect sauce...hands down, barnone, no ifs ands or buts about it. no ors about it either. but i digress.

still the main point of this blog....wendys' in multiple states do not supply this sauce anymore. tennessee and new jersey are both included on this list of states, which is unfortunate, since i spend most of my time in them. at first, i thought that maybe the wendys in nashville that i always went to just happened to be continuously out since others must have been experiencing the same love affair which i was. one day i asked though, and sadness of all sadnesses they replied that they didn't carry the sauce anymore, nor did any other wendy's in the area. i shortly learned that the same went for jers. one time about six months after this realization, i found the sauce in georgia. it was a glorious day...filled with many fries and lots of sauce. i did not have the foresight to buy more than necessary though, and upon my return to nashville, i was once again left sauceless. even worse, the next time i was in georgia, the wendy's there did not have the sauce either!

for the past year, i have thought all hope was lost. i figured that i would never taste my utopian sauce again. sadness did abound and it was not good. i went back to the old sauces, but they were no longer goodies. they were just lacking when compared with the buffalo ranch. i considered this to be the end of my sauce days. the end of a long and cultivated relationship....but then ali (yes the one and only) saved me! she found a wendys in kentucky which carried the sauce, bought ten, and brought them to me! now i will have the sauce for the next two weeks and life could not be looking any better. also she brought me a book full of sauce recipes so i will never be sauceless again. and who knows, i may even create my own buffalo ranch, which i promise to never discontinue.

that's all,
mimi.

post script: i am sincerely sorry in my complete lack of comma sensibility. it is horrible, but you must deal.

ali: columbus, ohio - radio capital of the world.

road trips are an interesting conundrum for me: i can only listen to the “wicked” soundtrack ten or twelve times on repeat without wanting to kill myself, so occasionally i attempt to listen to local radio stations. i must be a glutton for punishment, because as awful as it is every time, i do it over and over again. today, i happened across the city with literally the worst radio stations in the world: columbus, ohio. complaints are as follows:

a. 93.3, congratulations on being the only radio station worth listening to. with both "momentary lapse of reason" by pink floyd and "peaceful easy feeling" by the eagles, i thoroughly enjoyed the two songs i heard while listening to your radio station for 30 minutes. one song + ten minutes of commercials + another song + another ten minutes of commercials = not a great programming choice.

b. paula cole, circa 1997 - i have never hated a song more than "i don't wanna wait," a.k.a the dawson's creek theme song. i very distinctly remember being with my mom in the car at approximately age 12 (must have been at least 12, she was letting me sit in the front seat), and telling her that i HATED that freaking paula cole song that played on the radio every 30 seconds. also, that was right around when mtv was super-cool and still played music videos, and the music video was all about a woman who was immortal but all of her husbands died. that is to say, it sucked. (the only other music video i remember so much detail about is something by sugar ray because i had a super-huge crush on mark mcgrath and watched it 600 times around age 13.) the point of all this is to tell you, how much i hate that song, and also how many times i heard it in the greater columbus area: 3. on 3 different radio stations. congratulation, columbus, you are about a decade behind the b-lo, which is at least a decade behind the rest of the world.

c. as much as i love snow patrol, the complete overplaying of "chasing cars" last summer made me want to walk into the kiss 98.5 studio and punch donny walker right in the face. the only good thing about that song was in kristen's momentum dance, when she jumped off some girl's back and "burst into life," which i thought was hilarious. i obviously heard it twice, on what amounted to be the Columbus “indie” radio stations that played nothing but whiny emo music that everyone in civilization was tired of a year ago, 

d. you can usually count on southern ohio for some good 'ole country music, but there was literally none to be had today. normally i'm a big fan of hank williams, jr., but the song, "i'm for love" was just not doing it for me. google the lyrics, please see how ridiculous it is. and that is the best song that i heard while flipping between their 16 country music stations.

e. religious radio in multiple forms: besides the crazy preachers and random choirs, religious rock is not only strangely popular, but also the weirdest shit ever. It's like a bad creed rip-off (creed being a bad rip-off of smashing pumpkins and nirvana) with some more metal thrown in for good measure, and to top it all off - lyrics like "i just wanna praise you." i can't be the only one that finds that scary. 

needless to say, i can't waaaiiittt to be able to hear 107.5 thaaa rivahhh. just a few more hours of tedious driving and bad music.

ps. speaking of radio stations, the lack of creativity with naming your segments drives me crazy. everyone calls rush hour "the drive at five," like, duh, my 10 year old cousin could have come up with that. star 102.5 used to call it "the 5 o'clock traffic jam," they would play a bunch of songs without commercials, and i thought that was great. i don't know if they call it that anymore because i don't listen to that station for the following reason: star 102.5 plays all christmas music during the month of december, which is the most annoying thing EVER, and i am boycotting them until they stop doing that.

pps. spotted: sign on the highway right before attica state prison (one of the few "supermax" prisons in the us where people like mark david chapman and the son of sam reside), which states "correctional facility area - do not pick up hitchhikers." like, thanks so much, new york state, i was thinking that murderers made great traveling companions, but now that i've seen your tiny little yellow sign, all that has changed. two thumbs way uppp.

mimi: too many decisions aka my life is hardddddd.

so, i got home from work today and did pretty much the usual for a tuesday evening (one of my designated no drinking days....yes, i need to designate these; dont hate). i cleaned up the dishes, paid some bills yo, anddd made a delicious dinner with salad and side dish! yes, i am officially a working girl, a yuppie if you will. i went to my (wannabe) ivy league school, got a steady 9-5 gig, and have pretty much settled into the next 50 years of my life....ughhhh, potential gagging occurring on this end.

so after i ate my dinner i had to catch up on some of the best shows out there aka 90210, gossip girl, and one tree hill. some of my friends and i obviously got together to watch rock of love bus and tool academy on sunday so those were taken care of. buttt i still needed to know if dixon finally told silver how annoying she was (yes, they broke up) and will annie and naomi ever be frenemies again?? what about chuck and blair, come on, that is a match made in upper eastside heaven and serena seriously needs to get over rufus and lily. parents need sex too.....ewww, but still. the best news of the night though, came when nathan made the winning assist for his new team, the chiefs....thank god too, because i think jamie was about to disown him or at least runaway to crazy nanny carrie, who is dead so actually that's not possible. as you can tell, i've had a very fulfilling evening.

then, a thought came to me. what if i'm just watching crappy tv that doesnt make a difference? how could the state of nathan and vanessa's relationship not matter you may wonder? well i'll tell you, and the answer is one simple word.....LOST. yes, lost, apparently is the god of all shows. every other show on tv should probably just give up and die come wednesday night.

now lost and i have a pretty sketchy past. he's like the guy i had sex with for a week but then stopped answering his calls because well, it was a new week and i was bored. the fact of the matter is that i did indeed watch the whole first season last may before i went traipsing through europe, but then, like i said, i went traipsing and well lost, and pretty much all tv, was unnecessary to life (i know it's almost a sin to say those words). when i returned to the states (lameness), everything was so hectic that i didnt pick the viewing experience back up. so i guess i didnt get bored, more so, i forgot. oops.

times are a-chaning andddd wouldnt you know, lost has made its way back into my life these past few weeks. all of my friends, and i mean ALL, are gearing up for the new season, the fifth season. apparently i am about three seasons behind, damn. they have been chatting about it nonstop, searching the web for theories and spoilers, and worst of all, they are planning to watch it together on wednesdays. the previously mentioned items either leave me feeling ignored (not cool) or physically leave me out (double not cool). i am not ok with any of this and therefore, i have a big decision to make. do i scrap all of my tv shows in favor of catching up with lost in hopes that i may be able to watch the end of season five with my lovers orrrrrr do i not hop on the lost train and instead, find out if blair gets into yale, which she better???? this is probably the biggest decision of my life....or at least of my week.

so i must a-get to contemplating.
later loves,
mimi

post script: if i do choose lost, i will obiviously catch up on all of these other shows over the summer when tv is at its lamest....so dont be too sad for me.

ali: a day in a nutshell.

the things that i did / read / encountered / happened to me today:

1. i called goodyear to tell them that i need to bring my car in for work. conversation is as follows:
mike: thanks for calling goodyear, this is mike.
me: hi, there are like 18 million things wrong with my car. can i bring it in tomorrow?
mike: sure. what's your last name?
me: (say it, spell it.)
mike: oh, hey, ali.
me: hi, mike. so i'll see you tomorrow?
mike: always a pleasure doing business with you.

mike thinks that i am actually crazy. the last time i took my car to good year, i number one did not have any gas, and had to ask him if the car had to be running to have the oil changed, because that was going to be a problem. number two, i told him that my car was lived out of and asked him to please not to judge me for the state it was in. in addition, he asked me if i wanted to have the air filters cleaned out, and i asked what those were and if they were important. mike and i clearly have a history. hopefully he will be thrilled to see me tomorrow. maybe we'll fall in love.

2. momma's boys season finale is next week, and it is going to be glorious. erica got saved by mike's mom tonight, and STILL no one knows that she is the penthouse pet of the year! word on the street is that she reveals everything next week, and i cannot wait to see it. the only thing that would make this show better would be a silent but snarky lie detector man, like on who wants to marry my dad? or maybe a clever, shit-stirring maid / butler.

3. currently, my religious views on facebook read "what would patty do?" in reference to my alcoholic, coked-out boss at work, also known as patsy, pattycakes, the cakester, and gail. however, without changing it, i have decided that this now refers to patty hewes, glenn close's character from damages. not only did she have a dog killed to prove a point, she is so saccharinely fake and vindictive it is almost unbelievable. she stops at nothing, and i want to be her.

4. i applied to adsense, google's program for putting click-through ads on websites. mimi and i will stop at nothing to make a buck, so if google says it's cool, there are going to be some serious ads on this blog.

5. the br is changing our discount policy starting feb. 1st. i don't have all of the details, but i don't need them. gap, inc. is a soulless profit machine and will stop at nothing short of physical abuse to take advantage of its employees and save a buck. ugh, strike one, corporate america - this week.

6. craigslist has got some sketchy job postings. if i wanted to be an actress in roles where “light bondage” are required, i would basically have a full-time job.

7. that fucking spider solitaire is so addicting that i'm not surprised that i never get anything done. i could play that for 6 hours at a time i think. and i think i may have. i mean, i've never timed myself, but i wouldn't be shocked if i played for over 5 or 6 hours at one point. i especially really like it when you can make a little pattern out of the order you finish the game in, like red-black-red-black, etc. delightful and satisfying. 

8. bringing it back to facebook for a second (obviously one of my favorite topics), i recently updated my political views to: fusionism. my political views on the book have gone as follows - "Very Conservative" when they wouldn't let you type things in yourself, "way conservative." when they finally did, "ron paul 2012" after november 4th, and now "fusionism." according to wikipidea (the bible), "fusionism is an american political term for the combination of 'fusion' of libertarian and traditional conservative ideals in the american conservative movement." fusionism is, at its core, another word for classical liberalism, and the ideas of smith, locke, voltaire, et al. let's bring the good 'ole boys back and let them show modern american politicians how it's done. where is william f. buckley, jr. when you need him?

9. tha kath and i are playing phone tag - she is obviously screening her calls. typical.

10. i think sarah palin is number one on every 10 or 20 or 50 or whatever "most hated people in 2008." you cannot even begin to count the number of problems i have with this statement. i will make only one point now - there are so many other people more deserving of that title that it's literally sending me into convulsions. has anyone heard of barney frank? take that asshole out for the reaming he so richly deserves. but, nooo, he's a democrat AND he's gay, so god forbid we insult the nation's #1 most put-upon congressman.

that's all for now, kids, i have to get my beauty sleep before my big date with mike tomorrow.