ali: the hierarchy

there is one thing that has been there for me throughout my entire adult life. every problem, every trial that i've been forced to endure, my constant battles with various people and/or phobias, every midterm and final, every strife that i've had to overcome that made me the person i am today. 

diet coke. 

diet coke is one of the few simple pleasures in life that has never let me down. diet coke is a constant source of energy, a hangover cure, a delightful drink that can conceivably solve every problem i've ever had. that being said, diet coke is not a godsend in all of it's forms; in fact, it is a rather fickle mistress. and now, the hierarchy:

5. diet coke in a 2 liter bottle is quite possibly the saddest sight i have ever seen. it just sits there, lonely and awkward, on the supermarket shelf. things get even worse when you try to drink it. it's never cold enough in that plastic bottle, and it gets flat 30 seconds after you open it. think twice about trying to keep that fucker for more than a week. 

4. 16 oz. plastic bottles share their problems with the 2 liter. always too warm - minus 1 point. who can drink 16 ozs of diet coke in one sitting - minus 2 points. 3 hours after you open it, you might think, "oh, i have a little diet coke left. it's just sitting there, tempting me." do NOT drink it. it will be flat and warm, the worst diet coke combination known to man, and you will curse the day diet coke was invented. FAIL. 

3. it's a big step up from the plastic bottles to diet coke in a can. diet coke in a can is always nice and cold, a refreshing drink after a long night of debauchery, an instant hangover cure, or something to relax with by the pool on a hot summer day. diet coke in a can is the perfect size - you can drink it quickly, and it's still cold when you finish it. i've never tried to shotgun a diet coke, but there is always that option. 

2. diet coke in a glass bottle would be number one, but its relative scarcity bumps it down to number 2. there are rare instances in which diet coke is available in glass bottles, but i can tell you that they have them in morristown, tn and birmingham, al. cross the mason-dixon line, though, and good luck. glass bottles are nice and chilly, a relatively good size, easy to hold, and there's no aluminum or plastic taste. it's perfect. 

1. fountain beverage diet coke is god's greatest gift to mankind. carbonated, over ice, easily accessible - the best combination for diet coke that exists. actually, to get into specifics, it really needs to be served in a flimsy paper cup and with giant cubes of ice to really be considered the best combo for diet coke. a diet coke fountain beverage is a little piece of heaven delivered by the angels at mcdonalds and wendys. i've never met a diet coke fountain beverage i didn't like (except this one time at sambuca when i was convinced that the waitress had lied to me that it was diet coke and we got into a fight about it). i seriously doubt that anything will ever satisfy me the way a diet coke fountain drink does. 

as you can tell, diet coke seriously affects my life on a daily basis, and i only have one rule to live by: never drink diet pepsi. it's so not classy, it tastes bad, and it goes flat in .2 seconds. i'm very seriously considering boycotting panera based on their support for pepsi-co. taco bell? also on my shit list.