ali: we're goin' to the chapel...

i never really thought i was going to get married. i was never one of those little girls who planned her wedding or played dress-up in a nightgown with my teddy bears as bridesmaids. no, you were more likely to find me cutting off the hair of my barbies or melting army men with a magnifying glass. in fact, i distinctly remember this exchange i had with one of my friends about my potential marriage.

we were watching some wedding show at jeanne's house, and the bride is WASTED. she's stumbling down the aisle, tripping over herself, knocking into the pews, and when she gets to the altar, she almost falls. the poor groom attempts to help steady her and she snaps, "i got it. i. got. it." jeff turns to me and says, "ali, if you ever get married, that's you." he was so right.

this past week, however, has made me realize that for the following reasons, i ain't never walking down the aisle in a white dress.

1. my own family is so crazy that i can't imagine EVER wanting to be a part of someone else's. for those of you who know my mother, she would probably get drunk and embarrass me, duh, my dad would make inappropriate racist jokes, my brother would just hang out with his friends and avoid socializing. also, i cannot mix social groups. there are "home friends," "work friends," and "school friends," and never the three shall meet.

2. i am super super super selfish. if anyone ever asked me to not do something so that we could a). move somewhere or b). raise a kid, i would have to answer with a vehement "NO." maybe it's just that i'm in my 20s, or maybe it's that i would rather die than have someone else dictate what i am going to do/where i am going to go in my life. i'm sorry, but i get unnecessarily angry when someone picks a restaurant i don't like (carraba's) or a movie i don't want to see (he's just not that into you). how am i going to live / coexist with another person?

3. white wedding? who am i kidding?

4. my grandfather left me money to get married when he died. there are much better things that i could do with that money, included but not limited to: opening a bar and getting plastic surgery.

5. my mom would never let me have a jop wedding, and real weddings / receptions are so complicated. it's a good excuse to have a party, but still: flowers, cake, band... so much responsibility, so little desire. 

if i ever do decide to take the plunge, mimi is going to have to be there dragging my wasted ass down the aisle. for those of you invited to the potential reception, there will be no flowers, you can wear jeans, and take advantage of that open bar. vodka & water with a splash of splenda for everyone.