ali: an open letter to nasvhille drivers - "no, i don't have road rage, you just suck." (the second in a two-part series)

it's a well-known fact that i am an excellent driver. there are some that might disagree with you (jeff, who hangs on for dear life when i slam on the brakes), but overall, my driving skills are rather well-developed.

i used to think that everyone drove the same way i did - slightly aggressively but still politely. i will cut your ass off if you're going too slow, but i will use my turn signal while i do it, just so you have the heads-up that you're an asshole. i learned to drive from my mom (there are two things a bored housewife can do with her 16 year-old daughter: shop & teach her how to drive. and drink with her at the country club, but that's something i'd rather not get into at this moment in time). for those of you who don't know, my mom was raised in and learned how to drive in nebraska, population: 63. i have a vision in my mind of her driving a pickup truck down a dirt road while my grandfather screamed "slow down!" but this is probably just something i made up in my head. regardless, my mom learned to drive without anyone else around. she taught me how to drive as though there were no one else around, too. therefore, the skills of speeding and quick right turns were well-developed before i even got a license. (my parents used to let me drive home from the country club starting at age 14 because they thought it would be "good for me." i think they were just drunk.) ANYWAY, my mom advocated getting places quickly without dying, and that has always been my driving philosophy. this philosophy is something that people in nashville do not share.

1. if i am driving 65 miles an hour and you get in front of me, if you slow down, i will literally figure out a way to hack into the dmv files, find out where you live, and i will leave a smoke bomb in your mailbox. if you have to speed up to get in front of someone, MAINTAIN THAT SPEED. jesus, it's not that fucking hard. someone is driving along at a decent speed, and you pull in front of them and slow down, that slows everyone down that is behind them. figure it out. which brings me to my next point...

2. braking on the interstate. if you take your foot off the gas, the car slows down. "what?!" some of you are thinking to yourselves. "i don't have to slam on my brakes if i want to go from 70 to 65? stop with all of this craziness!" well, i hate to blow your mind, but no, you can simply take your foot off the gas and... wait for it... let the car slow down on its own! i understand your world might be slightly upside down right now, but you are a better person for having learned this lesson, trust me.

2a. exception to this rule: when some asshole gets in front of you and slows down, by all means, use your brakes.

3. oh, hey there, are you making a left turn? well, that's cool, so am i. you know what would be really cool? if you pulled into the motherfucking intersection so that everyone has a chance to take advantage of those 15 seconds while the light is yellow and the other fuckers have stopped coming. if i have to sit through another red light while you mosey on through the intersection, i hope to god you are stopped at the next red light and i can follow you for a while and tailgate the shit out of you, you asshole. which brings me to my next point... (i love how these are all related. it's a testament to how much nashville drivers actually suck dick.)

4. when you are turning onto another street, it is actually against the law to pull into any lane other than the one you are closest to. if you are making a right hand turn, either at a light or a stop sign, and you do not pull into the farthest right lane, you are literally committing a crime. pull into the right lane, drive for 30 seconds and then, USING YOUR TURN SIGNAL, move over into the lane you need to be in. it's not that hard, and it really does save everyone a headache. i don't have the time nor the patience to divine what lane you need to be in. it's not my job to psychically figure out that you're going to be making a left onto 13th so it would be really convenient if you could just jump into that left lane from 12th onto wedgewood. no. just NO.

there are so many more points i could make, but i lack the energy to really get into anymore shitty nashville driving habits. being this angry exhausts me. it's naptime.