ok so i'm just going to be blunt: fast food mascots scare the fucking bejesus out of me. for real. i have jumped out planes, gone canyoning through the swiss alps, and carried a rather large snake around a room for hours so as you can see, most things in life do not scare me. in fact, i like to think of myself as a rather adventurous person who is more than willing to try new (and potentially dangerous) things. masochistic, maybe; fearful; mostly no.
when i turn the tv on though, and one of those mascots jumps on the screen, well, i die a little bit inside, and i may or may not scream out in fear depending on the scenario. but seriously, ronald mcdonald you creepy creepy pseudo-clown please remove yourself from the area where the children play...you may or may not be a bit pedophile-ish. whenever i see you, i'm kind of reminded of my friends weird uncle who insists on hugging me even though ive only met him twice. also, your bff is a big ball of purple hair aka grimmace, so you know, enough said. the taco bell dog....not scary, but extraordinarily annoying. upon viewing one of these commercials i would pretty much hear that squeaky voice in my dreams (slash nightmares, pronounced nightmeres) for about a week afterwards. wendy, well you are a ginger and make me think of what might happen if ronald mcdonald and pippy longstocking had a love child. also you promote square hamburgers and therefore, i cannot subscribe to you.
now those characters mentioned above are weird, creepy, and well quite, unnatural, but one mascot does rise above the rest in the race of most disturbing semi-human used to promote pseudo-food. this menacing creature i speak of is the king or the mascot for burger king. anyone who has seen a burger king commercial in the past year can most certainly agree with me.
the first commercial i remember seeing, which starred the king, was one where he served an unsuspecting man breakfast in bed. the man was asleep in bed and upon waking he spots the king sitting on the edge of his bed holding a platter with a breakfast sandwich and hashbrowns from burger king on it. there may have been juice, i dont remember; i could check youtube, but i am wayy to lazy and scared to do any actual research on the king. what i do remember, is that instead of screaming out in fear, this man decided to take the breakfast from the masked man with incredibly girlish hands. please tell me that someone else has noticed the seriously tiny hands which the king rocks. its a bit unsettling. please note: mcdonalds breakfast is far superior to burger kings and had the king been serving me that well i may have been less inclined to punch him in the face. although, i still would have asked him to leave while i ate, because his presence pretty much induces vomit.
a more recent king commercial involves a sad, sad celebrity appearance by sir mix-a-lot. yes, sir mix-a-lot of i like big butts fame has gone the sell out route slash he needed cash so i guess in this current economic climate i should just give him a break. well, honestly, i could except for the fact that his commercial includes a very disturbing play on words...i like square butts. now, if weird al had created this song, i may be able to get behind it, but that is just not the case here (at least i dont think it is, again i did no real research). instead, this commercial involves girls with "phone book implants" shaking their square butts up and down for the camera and oh yea, the king. the fucking king is jumping around with all of these girls in his creepy mask and they are allowing him to put his girlish hands all over them. the worst part....this commercial is geared towards children. yes, the future of america and the world is currently running around shrieking at the top of their lungs "i like square butts and i cannot lie". little girls everywhere are shoving books in their pants to achieve that square butt which society has now thrust upon them. all the while, the king perma grins his way through and entices us with false meat treats.
ok so there is one more reason as to why i (ok im just going to say it) hate the king. this has nothing to do with burger king and everything to do with this kid i went to high school with. you see, he was on the tennis team and rather good so good that he in fact asked to be called ze king. no the "ze" is not a typo...he wanted to be called ze king and not just ze king but "zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzeeeeeeeeeeeeee king". i officially wanted to die when i heard this at about 16 years old and i refused. everybody else and i mean everybody, friends, teachers, the fucking principle, indulged him. they all called him zzzzzzzzzzzzzeeeeeeeeeeeeeee king. this may or may not be one of the reasons i ran as far away as nashville come graduation.
in reality, i guess the king never stood a chance in my book. oh well.
that's that,
mimi.
post script: i'll be honest, jared was a close second.
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