when one hears the words "life changing event" images of graduations, exotic locations, and sexual experiences fill their thoughts. and it is true, that for most a significant turning point in their life can be marked by an ugly ass maroon/orange/whatever horrible color you can think of cap and gown or awkward teenage sex during which either premature ejaculation or a broken condom are involved. for me though, that turning point was much different, much more subtle, much more, shall i say, selfish. this day for me only involved a hairstylist and some carefully chosen tools (i.e. scissors, brush, comb, etc.). it was the day i got bangs. yes, i did just say that a major turning point in my life would be the day i got bangs. this day was about 2 years ago now and it will be a day that will go down in history as the day mimi got bangs and life as we know it was altered forever.
ok so it's not as serious as say war, famine, or the obesity epidemic plaguing the nation, which i'm told is getting worse due to the recession, but since, i am not a violent person, starved person, and/or fat chick, i will have to stand by my assertion that life before bangs was significantly worse. let me explain:
1. pimples: damn this combination skin of mine and the fact that pms still makes a few of these devilish blemishes show their ugly heads around, well, my head. unfortunately, random pimpies are still something that i contend with on a semi-regular basis. most of these random appearances can be spotted near the northern part of my face. before bangs, shoddy make up application and annoying amounts of creams that barely worked were my only line of defense against the little bastards. waking up in the morning with a particularly red one was almost a reason to skip class, but honestly, the engineering world waits for no one so i was forced to use one of the above methods to ease my situation. let me just say, a situation it was, no one wants to have promiscuous sex with the chick that has random pimpies at age 22. after bangs, the pimpies and i now live in unison; i dont feel the need to obliterate them because when they do decide to visit, no one can see them aka the magic of the thick, straight bang, which hangs out around the eyebrows. and speaking of which....
2. eyebrows: yes, bangs can be a major peacemaker when it comes to you and your eyebrows. you see, whether you spend copious amounts of money at the salon waxing your groucho-esque eyebrows or you over-plucked as a tween thus now paying the price as an adult aka thin, barely there eyebrows, bangs that land at or below your brows can be a serious aid to you and those within your vicinity. case in point, before bangs, i had to pay for a wax or pluck my own eyebrows and risk sufferring from the over-pluck, which many of us do on occassion. no matter how seasoned of a plucker you are...sometimes that last pluck was just one pluck to many. how many times can i say pluck or any form of the word in three sentences...apparently six. after bangs, i no longer need to pluck. yes, i do tend to the necessary clean up when needed, but on a regular basis, i just dont have to anymore. my bangs cover my brows. since my brows dont look like the fucking bushwomans, i'm covered...please note: if you do look like the bushwoman sans pluck, then bangs will not help aka this does not apply to you so please pluck on a regular basis.
3. style: bangs are chic. they are in, but only if you can pull them off (sorry ali...maybe you could get plastic surgery to fix that three head?). they look kick ass whether you rock that hippie chick style or you rock out in your 80's neon. really look in any magazine or on any runway...you find bangs. therefore, i feel no reason to argue this point further, since i am a drone and will do whatever current pop culture deems is cool.
4. the five head: honestly, i have a fucking five head, god maybe even a six/seven if my bony ass fingers can be legally used as an instrument to measure a forehead. before the long, straight, thick (i really thought that order through) bang, i tried a variety of looks that were intended to diminish my unnaturally large forehead....headbands, hats, hair in the face, even the side bang...nothing worked. it looked like maybe one night during my tween years, god decided to reach his mighty hand from the sky and stretch my forehead towards the heavens. i dont know why he found this necessary or why he was so focused on just the length of my forehead, but he was and honestly god, i was awkward enough at 12/13 did you really have to pull a bastard move like that? well, it took me years to figure it out, but i finally, did and after bangs, well the five head is hidden nicely and i look about a gatrillion times better....at least in my opinion and not to mention, the opinion of the obnoxious amount of boys who were suddenly pursuing me for promiscuous sex....maybe i imagined this last part.
so see, if you are as self-centered and looks conscious as i am, then you too can have a life changing experience that involves bangs.
but if you have a three head, dont say we didnt warn you.
mimi.
post script: my feet always fall fucking asleep. they are asleep now. see what i sacrifice for you dear readeres...the ability to walk like a normal human being.
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