mimi: quite frankly, i'm over it.

everyone i know is settling....literally everyone. settling for jobs, settling for guys/girls, just settling on life in general. what the fuck is the point of living if you are not going to be LIVING.

why do we make all of these sacrifices for things that don't matter (myself included)?? money, a false sense of security, wanting people that we don't even like to like us. if you don't enjoy someone's presence then why do you care how they feel about you? it doesn't matter because you don't want to be around them anyway. i'm so tired of people pleasers. if you want to please me, then just go out into the world and do your thing. don't give a fuck what other people say.

it kills me when i watch my friends give up on things just because certain obstacles exist. my boyfriend doesnt live near a good school so ill just go to a tier three. i dont have the money so i'm not going to take the job i've always wanted in the new city that would be fucking amazing to live in. i've finally met someone who makes me feel amazing, love at first sight kind of thing (although i'm not really sure this exists), but yet, i dont want to make the effort because he doenst live close. get the fuck over it people.

everyone in this world has to get out there and start living. start doing what you were put here to do...be yourself.

that's all.

ali: lying is the most fun a girl can have without taking her clothes off.

i like to lead multiple lives. not multiple lives as in multiple personalities, but multiple lives in that i don't want any one group of people to know too much about me. i think it's really important to keep a little mystery floating around in regards to who you are and why you behave the way you do. i don't like people to meet my parents, i don't like to mix groups of friends. i prefer when you can act a certain way in front of one group of people and another way in front of different people.

for example, i barely drink when i'm with a certain group of friends. we get coffee, we go out dinner, we go shopping, but we don't go out. not that i don't think it wouldn't be fun, but the way that our personalities blend, we find it more fun to sit around and play board games than get shitfaced. my friends from school, however, we based our entire beginnings of our friendship on how much we all enjoy going out and getting drunk. blackout best friends turned into real best friends. i behaved very differently with the people i had classes with and the people i lived with. there are a few friends who can make the jump between class, partying, gossiping, shopping, and doing nothing friends, but not many.

there are many facets to my personality, and i don't like to let one person see them all. i don't think of it as lying per se, but it is, essentially. and it is fun. it's fun to maintain some sort of air about you, to let people know that you are not as simple as you seem on the surface. maybe it's just me, but i think keeping things close to the vest is very satisfying. you get to decide who you want to be for an afternoon, for a week, for a month, with the option to alter you behavior depending on your location. it's an interesting experiment, and i recommend that everyone try it.

mimi: tidbits of me, let's call them trinkets.

yea ali, one of those cards would definitely improve my life substantially.

so i am having a hard time coming up with one topic for this post as my mind has been clouded lately, but alas, the blog will not wait for me. actually that's a lie, it will. it is ali who will not give it a rest if i take a few days to post. this is ok though, since i get on her case too....i guessssssss.

since i am lazy and do not feel like trying to create an awesome, one subject post, i leave you with a list. this list made up of trinkets about me....of course. again, these numbered parcels are essential to your life. (yes that last sentence did not make sense, i just wanted to use the word "parcels" no matter how inapprop it may have been)

without further ado,

1. i definitely relate to the new kanye song "heartless". i don't mean kanye though, i mean the girl he is singing about. this may or may not be a bad thing, let me get back to you on that.

2. toothbrush toothpicks are the fucking coolest invention. they don't chip my fake teeth, therefore, i love them.

3. i just figured out that itunes allows you to rent movies....my bed has suddenly become somewhere that i will spend wayyy more than a third of my life.

4. my car stereo broke over a year ago and i have yet to get it fixed. instead i use my ipod speakers. this is the most ridiculous thing many of my friends have seem. luckily i have yet to cause a pile up (knocking on wood as i type).

5. nail polish completes any outfit in my opinion. also, while freshly painted nails do look, well, polished and lovely; there is something to be said about chipped nail polish and the raw sexuality it exudes. post script: i am fucking awesome at painting my own nails, but don't ask me to do yours because i will suck at it.

6. i love runon sentences.

7. i did not make it to banana republic in time to get the elephant bag, which would have given me 10% off every time i make a purchase in '09. sorry to disappoint ali.

8. i want a tattoo of a brontosaurus. just an outline. when i was little i wanted to be a palientologist.

9. i hate shows about people losing weight. that shit is so fucking ridiculous, people getting paid to be fat. i quit smoking a pack of cigs a day cold turkey....now that deserves its own fucking show.

10. i prefer to be nocturnal....i have yet to figure out how to accomplish this now that i am not in college anymore.

alright i'm tired and i feel that this is enough information for one day. i will post better next time, i swear slash that is probably a lie but it's cool.


post script: my cat is staring at me and i am a little afraid.

ali: i should not be held accountable.

it's really not my fault that i don't have any self-control; personally, i believe that it is genetic. it doesn't matter what we're discussing: speeding, drinking, drugs, shopping, hooking up with boys - it all boils down the the fact that i cannot and will not ever be able to control myself.

i googled "preventative gastric bypass" the other day. based on the way that i do and plan to eat for the rest of my life, they might as well get the stomach stapling over with while i am still relatively young and heal easily. i can take like a month of off work to recuperate, but i might not be able to do that when i'm 40.

furthermore, drunk driving is another thing i should never be held accountable for. one drink is never enough. also, three drinks is never enough. 5 or 6 is. on some occasions. and i can't sleep in bars, so i have to drive home. some bars are close enough to my house that it's not really a big deal, but in other cases, i just have to turn the key and driiiive.

shopping is probably my worst downfall. i thoroughly enjoy having new things. it's a sickness.

all of this is to say that i believe the government should issue me a card. a card that states "ali shall not be held accountable for breaking the law, as she is genetically incapable of following rules. also, she should get all of her clothes for free." i absolutely would not have any problems if someone gave me one of these. my life would be so much better, and i would never get in trouble again.

mimi, i know you need one of these as well; however, your problems are mostly related to drinking, shopping, and that little birdy in your mouth that makes you say inappropriate things. there are so many things that this card would be useful for. i believe that unless i kill someone (and even that is negotiable sometimes), the rules should not apply to me. end of story.

ps. i hate the way refrigerators smell.

mimi: thank you; a vain attempt.

today i will write about something, which all of you out there need to understand about me....the words thank you are really not a part of my vocabulary. now you may think that i sound like a bit of a B and well, i do. the thing is though, i am a very thankful person and many times i am generally surprised by a compliment. this surprise does not come from the fact that i dont believe the comment is true though, it comes from the fact that you noticed what i was trying to accomplish, whether it be through an outfit or through wacky advice. (i obviously just wanted to say the word wacky). many times instead of saying thank you...i say i know and then explain why i did such a thing or how i came up with an idea. i do not mean any harm by this, i am just trying to help the general public understand my personality (this is essential to life). so without further ado, here are some examples, which may help you understand:

1. Jen (friend): Michele, your hair looks great today, really soft and it falls perfectly.
Bonnie (other friend): yea, it really does.
Me (huge B): yea, i know...i think it has something to do with the shampoo to conditioner ratio, which i implemented this morning.
Jen & Bonnie: umm yea, that must be it.
Me: Oh, oh shit....and by all of that i meant thank you.

2. Danielle (another friend): thanks for the great advice about dating two boys at once. you're right i shouldnt have to settle on one if it's only been one or two dates.
Me: i know, that's how i live. once you think it will get serious with one then you choose.
Dani: yea true. you know your stuff.
Me: of course i do. and by "of course i do" i mean thanks.

3. Stranger: wow, great outfit.
Me: i know, i loved this when i put it on this morning.
Stranger:.....
Me: oh wait, thank you. sorry about that. (semi yelling as the stranger walks away)

so as you can see, i have a hard time with the words thank you. let me assure everyone out there though, that i sincerely do appreciate the compliments...i just have a poor way of showing it. next time please just call me out on my lack of thanks. also i know #2 may not have been the best advice to some of you, but that is a chat for another time.

later loves.

post script: i actually hate the words "i am sorry"....their absence from my vocabulary is very to different to that of the words "thank you".

ali: a brief history of time.

my mother has a two hundred year-old grandfather clock. it belonged to her great-great-grandfather, and, therefore, it is, both literally and in name, a grandfather clock. it is in our kitchen. the kitchen, mind you, is literally steps away from the family room. the clock is basically ticking in my ear every time i sit anywhere in or around the kitchen or family room. it is probably the most annoying thing ever.

thing is, my mom freaking loves it. like loves it loves it. it's kind of bizarre, really. according to her, her siblings don't care about anything that belonged to their family so it falls to her delicate shoulders to pick up the slack. tonight my mother decided that i needed a lesson in learning how to operate a piece of two hundred year-old machinery. it had stopped ticking, and so she asked me how to start it again. my response? "i don't know, close the little door?"

needless to say, this was incorrect, leading to a loooong lecture about family heirlooms and what will happen to them. if you people had any idea how much freaking china that "belonged to my grandmother" is in my house, you would fall down dead. when i told my dear mother that i would sell it on ebay (in jest, of course), she simply put her head in her hands.

obviously, i wasn't joking. i'm not a collector. personally, i think having things that belonged to dead people is kind of weird. my mother offered me my grandmother's engagement ring for if ever i get married, and i respectfully declined. also, i am not one to subscribe to the hoarding mentality, which is what collecting something boils down to. i believe in pragmatism, only owning and keeping things you have a use for. it's silly to have an entire set of plates and silverware you use twice a year.

maybe i'm young, maybe i'm too immature to understand the desire to own things that belonged to the generation before. (also why i do not shop in real vintage stores - just the fake ones.) who knows. but for my mother's sake, let's hope that i grow to love that goddamn grandfather clock just as much as she does.

mimi: who wants to be my bff?

so first off, ali is mad at me for being a lame blogger and sluggish poster. see below...

ali (posted on my facebook wall at 6:27 pm): michele we are never going to be famous at this rate! post!!

i mean, she is right...nothing ever happened for those who were lazy and well major sloths. butttt i dont like to be told that my lifestyle is wrong (that's right ali, im one hundred percent taking this to an unneeded level). That level i just mentioned in the parenthesis is one in which i ditch ali and go on a search for a new biffle, a la paris hilton....a chick who until recently may never have influenced my reactions (no matter how faux they may be), but a sweet article in nylon made me change my mind (which people are allowed to do...i think). so runon sentences aside, let the hunt begin!

first challenge: find me a huge jar of pickles because i am rather hungry.
second challenge: take a picture of my kitties and make a lolcat.
third challenge: eat a goldfish....because i'm worth it.
fourth challenge: be smart enough to realize that i meant the delicious crackers in the third challenge and not a live one...eww im not a fratchild.
fifth challenge: do not bore me. this is harder to do than it may appear....i swear i am not as easily amused as i appear to be.
sixth challenge: actually read this blog.
seventh challenge: ali i'm over this...no one is cooler than you. sorry for the faux challenge kids.


by now you can all tell that the main point of this blog was to use a ridiculous amount of parentheses and to say the word "faux" twice.

yay, i love you all because you read my stupidity.

ali: the color of autumn, the color of schizophrenia.

so, orange? over it? well, orange was the biiiig color this fall, along with other jewel tones. working in the retail industry, i obviously have to follow this stuff. you should see the br, there is so much orange that i want to kill someone. i used to love orange, but looking at it 6 days a week is torture. also, we have a lot of ugly stuff that's orange.

here's the thing about orange. i can't remember when i heard this, but someone told me a while ago that said that people with schizophrenia are drawn to bright colors, orange in particular. i love orange, i love bright colors. i may or may not be mentally ill.

orange... why now? excuse me while i get all philosophical / preachy, but when do i not? i believe that our country is going through a severely schizophrenic period. we are unsure of what we value, of what we believe. we just elected a president on the platform of "change," which is barely a slogan, much less a campaign promise. we have vilified a woman who stepped up when asked to lead, said terrible things about her pregnant daughter, and very rarely commended her for making a very difficult decision. we praise the media, who have literally stopped doing their jobs. the economy is tanking, we're all running scared, trying to protect our jobs, our families, and our health insurance.

i think orange is the perfect color for autumn.

mimi: delightfulness, a to z.

alright ali i am going to do my own a to z list but since i am enjoying some cookies and ice cream and could not possibly be put into a bad mood, i am going to make a list of delightful things of the moment. of course the words "the moment" are key because life is fleeting and well i'll probably despise half of these things in a week.

a is for autumn: both the season and the word. it is the best smelling of all four seasons and the foliage is to die for. mostly though the word autumn is far superior to that of fall and i am slightly sad that i will not be able to use it on a daily basis for much longer.

b is for biffles: it is a wayyy better way to say bff and ali made it up. also it can be an adjective(?) biffulous.

c is for coins: yes i still use cash and yes i enjoy exact change.

d is for duffy: forget the song mercy, the whole album is amazing. stepping stone, rockferry - just go listen.

e is for exit strategies: the more ridiculous, the better.

f is for "fuck": this is the most perfect little word.

g is for google: enough said. although ali is right; t-mobile? what were they thinking.

h is for hoods up: because who doesnt want to look like a. a gang member or b. a hungover fratchild. either way go to american apparel and get yours today, assorted colors are available.

i is for infamy: live it. love it. embrace it. if you cant get noticed for being good then by all means be a total ass because it is better to be noticed than to be ignored. (by now you can tell that i am a ridiculously classy gal)

j is for jers: the only state that keeps it real.

k is for koalas: please just go to this site and read, you will understand (besides they are furry goodness): http://www.textfiles.com/uploads/koalas.txt

l is for lolcats: the positively, absolutely best website out there. adorable cats speaking in a form of ebonics, it doesnt get much better than that.

m is for matches: because who doesnt enjoy fire/burning stuff to create what one might call art.

n is for nylon: the only magazine worth reading and my own personal bible.

o is for one tree hill: helllllooooo, 20-somethings living through more drama in one hour than i could in one year. priceless. plus lucas is hot, nathan is hot, even mouth is kinda sexy in his own way - do you see a pattern? also the best sunday afternoons are spent in bed watching reruns on the computer.

p is for panic: "a girl is always her sexiest when she is about to have a breakdown." or something like that, but it is a Warhol quote and his writings are also delightful.

q is for quickies: i promised myself i wouldnt be sexual, but we cant deny our true colors and these are probably one of the best things in life...i will not hate them next week.

r is for rice: white, brown, fried, whole grain, whatever the kind i love it and a meal of chinese food is just not complete without it. according to ali i must be a poor man.

s is for space capone: the best band in nashville, tn presently. who doesn't love 70's inspired funk?

t is for tees: the fad may be over, but i still rock out in my white (pink, purple, black, etc.) tee most nights of the week.

u is for u: as in the collective you, those who read this ridiculous thing or at least will read.

v is for vices: i miss smoking.

w is for windows: i wish i had one in my office. although, when my bosses door is open and i angle my body in the exact right position, i too can catch some rays.

x is for xylophones: we all vied to play them during our elementary school music classes and concerts. if they were an acceptable instrument for a rock band, then i would be a xylo-god.

y is for yazoo: very good beer.

z is for "zak without a c": this isnt the name of the song but it is a ben folds lyric to a really good song. besides if i ever met someone who spelled it like that i would laugh at the stupidity of their parents and that would be delightful.

so in other news....ali how do you feel about the color orange? personally if i had made an "over it" list that would have been my letter o.

ali: things i'm over, from a to z.

in response to time magazine's "a to z" special, i have decided to do one of my own, featuring things that i'm over. not to say that i necessarily loved any of these things to begin with, but they are over to the point that i will be ignoring/avoiding them from now on. without further ado, the list:

a is for airports: spending eternity in an airport is what i imagine the 2nd circle of hell to be like. everyone is in a hurry, exhausted, starving, or hungover. there are people dashing everywhere, pushing you out of their way to what? get to a gate and sit there for an hour? ugh, no thanks.

b is for boots: i get it, i like boots just as much as the next person. they're cute, they keep your feet warm. they were fun like 2 years ago, but now they are literally EVERYWHERE. if i see another payless commercial for cheap, ugly boots, i will kill myself.

c is for celebrity roasts: cute idea, back when it was like johnny carson and those kids, but pamela anderson? cheech and chong? sex and drugs are, well, sexy, but give me a break.

d is for dry-clean only: if i read dry-clean only on one more tag, i will burn all of my clothes in protest. it's expensive, it's inconvenient, and it's stupid.

e is for for ecru: it's in literally every crossword puzzle, and i'm tired of the word.

f is for flipping houses: the real estate market crashed, so pretty much everyone is so over flipping houses. but let me just tell you, i was first that train, because as soon as every cable channel had a show about flipping, it was over for me.

g is for google phone: i do love google, but t mobile? ugh, be available on verizon, please.

h is for the human rights campaign: don't get me wrong, i have no problem with hrc on a grand scale, but when you've got your own vanderbilt chapter and nick wells is running it, well, then, i'm over you.

i is for insomnia: staying up til 6 am just to watch saved by the bell was fun while it lasted, but now i just find it annoying to have to wait around to fall asleep.

j is for jobs: i just want to go back to college. so over having a job.

k is for kohl's: seriously, tone it down with the commericals and calling yourself a department store. neiman marcus is a department store. saks is a department store. kohl's, you are one and a half steps above wal-mart. embrace it.

l is for liberals: i promised myself i wasn't going to make this political, but it must be said. you hate freedom and you're ruining america.

m is for milk: no, not the dairy substance (which is gross, except in coffee), but milk, the movie based on the life of harvey milk, the first gay man to be elected to public office in california and later assasinated by a fellow local politician. what bothers me is not the movie in and of itself (though milk's story has already been told in the superb the times of harvey milk, which won the academy award for best documentary in 1985), but the choice of sean penn to play the title character. not only is penn one of the latest actor turned politician buffoons, but he is also an acting oppportunist, which is the most annoying thing ever. great story, bad actor. ugh.

n is for niagara falls: niagara falls sucks on its own, and it's being overrun with canadians. things could not get worse.

o is for other: on anything you have to fill in with your race, there is a space for "other." what does this mean?!

p is for professional football: not only do i think it's weird to watch men in tights hit each other, but people are so obsessed that it's scary. also, the titans are one of the reasons that nashville traffic sucks on a regular basis.

q is for quebec: yeah, montreal is cool if you're 18 and want to drink legally, but other than that, quebec brings nothing to the table. plus, they're the closest thing to french in north america, and who wants that?

r is for rice: the red-headed stepchild of the grain family, rice is the poor man's pasta. plus, it's hard to cook it right. when i try, it usually turns out pretty bad.

s is for sundays: saturdays are full of potential and awesome, but no one wants to do anything on sundays except lay in bed and watch episodes of one tree hill. nothing is open, the mall is crowded, and, plus, the next day is monday. ew.

t is for time magazine: although time magazine did inspire this post with their "a to z: a year in medicine," they completely skipped the letters that they found inconvenient, including the letter x. xanax, anyone?

u is for umbrellas: never liked 'em. plus, have you ever tried to walk down a crowded sidewalk with one? or been impaled by an unaware pedestrian? the worst.

v is for viagra: those freaking "viva viagra" commercials are driving me up the freaking wall.

w is for wool: it's itchy.

x is for x: what a useless letter.

y is for yelling: there's nothing i hate more than people unnecessarily raising their voices. especially on the radio. and even more especially when people on the radio are yelling at each other.

z is for zoos: not only do i have a significant problem with locking animals up for our personal amusement, but zoos are also dirty. and they smell.


post script: mimi, it's your turn. let's hear it.