ali: snobbery, restraurant style.

i'm well aware that it has been a while. i could claim that i am "super busy" (nope, still don't have a real job) or that i was "uninspired" (no again, been complaining out loud for the past month, but still haven't written anything.) truth is, i'm just lazy. it's easier to lay in bed and watch tv than it is to lay in bed and write. buuttt, without futher ado, the sabbatical is over, and i am going to educate you on acceptable and unacceptable dining establishments. (the word restaurant is really hard for me to spell, and i plan to use it as little as possible.) 

on the list of acceptable is any independently owned restaurant. in fact, there is a whole website at your disposal - nashvilleoriginals.com. the fact that i work at an independently-owned "casual fine dining" establishment is entirely besides the point. the truth is, if i wanted to be involved in the world of corporate shitheads, i would still work at the brfs. so, do yourself a favor, put down the carraba's to-go menu, and join us in the world of local entrepreneurs and, even better, locally grown food. it's worth your time. i would call myself a food snob, but i don't really enjoy food that much. still, i have an opinion, and i'm going to share it. you may call it snobbery, but it's not snobbery when you can back it up. 

that brings me to a quick list of unacceptable places to eat. i find no explanation necessary other than stating that they all SUCK and should never be frequented. 

1. carraba's. (it's headquarters are in tampa, fl. i believe this says more about them than i ever could.)

2. outback steakhouse. 

(word on the street is that there exist certain places where the two establishments share the same building. i would refer to this as either the second or third circle of hell, depending on what you order.)

3. bravo.

4. amerigo's. (i recently learned that this is a southern pheonomenon. southern people are craaaazy.)

5. olive garden. 

6. sizzler.

7. texas roadhouse.

8. applebee's (more like crapplebee's, am i right?)

9. ruby tuesday's. 

10. (tie) planet hollywood, tgi friday's, johnny rocket's, logan's. 

chain restaurants worth dining at are few and far between. there are some worthy of your time and money, but for specific reasons. they are as follows: 

1. chili's. they facilitated my (and every other vandy kid's) underage drinking for 3 years. plus, the discovery of drinking on the card was one of the most beautiful moments in all of our lives. also, where else would we have gone post-tailgaiting instead of the football games? logan's? i think not. 

2. red lobster. one word. biscuits. 

3. the hard rock cafe. although the food is shitty, and the atmosphere totally 90s, the hard rock cafe remains near and dear to my heart for one reason: spain. it is only acceptable to eat at the hard rock on foreign soil, and, no, canada does not count. i will get drunk at the one on clifton hill, though, that's okay. 

4. rainforest cafe. the food isn't just shitty, it's TERRIBLE, but they suck me in every time with those jungle animals and "thunderstorms." love it. 

5. maggiano's. if you ever have to eat chain italian food (and i recommend that you don't cause, gross), eat at maggiano's. it's a little pretentious with their fucking sign light-bulb sign on west end and that goddamned piano, but it's the only chain italian place that has decent food. also, it's cleaner than all the rest. 

6. cracker barrel. their okra is fucking good, and where else can you find a little frog that croaks out songs for your garden or a sweatshirt for an adult that says "grandma's angel" in glitter writing? eating and shopping, need i say more?

7. pf chang's. so, it's not legit chinese food (the pf stands for paul fleming - what an asshole) but it's good. and there's little to no chance that you might accidentally eat a dog or catch salmonella. best of both worlds. 

8. bahama breeze. they have some of the most delicious drinks; however, after a bad experience with rum, i don't know if i will ever be able to drink there again. sad day for me. 

9. waffle house. only acceptable under the most strict conditions, please acquire a breathalyzer. i'll wait. blow into it. if your BAC is below .15, you may not, i repeat MAY NOT eat at waffle house. over .15? have at it. have some hashbrowns for me. 

10. dave & busters. one of the few eating establishments that i have been blackout drunk in. (others include chilis, duh, and cabana). i have never been thrown out of dave & buster's, though i know for a fact that i have caused quite a few scenes. for this, i thank you. 

runner-up: boston pizza. unless you are from western new york or (god forbid) actual canada, chances are, you've never heard of boston pizza. it's basically a dave & buster's rip off, with two extra-special exceptions: bruschetta pizza and the twisted rocket. if you've never had either of these, get to clifton hill immediately. it's literally worth the trip. (also, you can see niagara falls, which is pretty cool, too.)

to sum it all up: support local business, avoid carraba's because it is gross, and get to niagara falls, ontario immediately. 

you know you missed me. 

post script: recently recieved text message from mimi: "carrabas i hate you." i couldn't have said it better myself.