mimi: change of heart

so i was going to post about god and how he is potentially an incredibly intelligent lego obsessed kid with the emotional capabilities of a twelve year old who may or may not be fat. you be the judge, i like to pretend his weight fluctuates with the amount of death/destruction he has deemed appropriate for the time period. unfortunately, i've decided that i may not be ready to visit the seventh circle of hell aka check back next week for this post. hopefully, i will have bought some stronger spf by then.

instead, im going to cop out and make a list.....but i can promise you this much, this list will forever alter your life. seriously, here are the top five things i learned slash discovered this weekend.

5. ru paul's drag race: sunday afternoon i turned the tv on and there it was...the most glorious show in all of reality tv-dom. let me give you some history for those of you not in the know; ru paul is the drag queen to end all drag queens. the first supermodel drag queen. to sum it up, her morning show helped relaunch wktu as the party station we all love to hate in the city. wktu people...this is serious business. well it turns out that since the end of that morning show, rupaul did not in fact fall off of the face of the earth like i had previously assumed...no no no, she was just doing her tranny thing waiting for the world to notice her fiercesiosity (good made up word?) again, and notice we did. thus rupauls drag race was born. essentially she is searching for the next drag superstar. basically this show is like americas next top model, except ten gatrillion times better. case in point: at the end of each episode their is a lip sync off to decide who goes home. right before this occurs, rupaul informs her minions that they will have to "lip sync for their life". wow, just wow. needless to say i watched the whole marathon and also made ali's new man potentially want to castrate himself after i informed her of the show while she was with him. sorry richarddddddd.

4. neon aztec is in fact a print that exists in real life and now my closet. the series of events, which led up to this were: i walked into a vintage store; i looked up; god shined his holy light on the mannequin; a chorus of angels began to sing; birds picked up the dress and draped over my body; it fit perfectly; i bought it for a 20 spot; life was fucking rad.

ok im going to be honest...i want to go to sleep so im going to stop here and ali wants to post so im publishing this post. sorry if i suck. sorry if my life is more than internet pseudo-humor. i promise you this though, your survival is not hanging in the balance.

mimi.

post script: i have no post script.

ali: the hierarchy

there is one thing that has been there for me throughout my entire adult life. every problem, every trial that i've been forced to endure, my constant battles with various people and/or phobias, every midterm and final, every strife that i've had to overcome that made me the person i am today. 

diet coke. 

diet coke is one of the few simple pleasures in life that has never let me down. diet coke is a constant source of energy, a hangover cure, a delightful drink that can conceivably solve every problem i've ever had. that being said, diet coke is not a godsend in all of it's forms; in fact, it is a rather fickle mistress. and now, the hierarchy:

5. diet coke in a 2 liter bottle is quite possibly the saddest sight i have ever seen. it just sits there, lonely and awkward, on the supermarket shelf. things get even worse when you try to drink it. it's never cold enough in that plastic bottle, and it gets flat 30 seconds after you open it. think twice about trying to keep that fucker for more than a week. 

4. 16 oz. plastic bottles share their problems with the 2 liter. always too warm - minus 1 point. who can drink 16 ozs of diet coke in one sitting - minus 2 points. 3 hours after you open it, you might think, "oh, i have a little diet coke left. it's just sitting there, tempting me." do NOT drink it. it will be flat and warm, the worst diet coke combination known to man, and you will curse the day diet coke was invented. FAIL. 

3. it's a big step up from the plastic bottles to diet coke in a can. diet coke in a can is always nice and cold, a refreshing drink after a long night of debauchery, an instant hangover cure, or something to relax with by the pool on a hot summer day. diet coke in a can is the perfect size - you can drink it quickly, and it's still cold when you finish it. i've never tried to shotgun a diet coke, but there is always that option. 

2. diet coke in a glass bottle would be number one, but its relative scarcity bumps it down to number 2. there are rare instances in which diet coke is available in glass bottles, but i can tell you that they have them in morristown, tn and birmingham, al. cross the mason-dixon line, though, and good luck. glass bottles are nice and chilly, a relatively good size, easy to hold, and there's no aluminum or plastic taste. it's perfect. 

1. fountain beverage diet coke is god's greatest gift to mankind. carbonated, over ice, easily accessible - the best combination for diet coke that exists. actually, to get into specifics, it really needs to be served in a flimsy paper cup and with giant cubes of ice to really be considered the best combo for diet coke. a diet coke fountain beverage is a little piece of heaven delivered by the angels at mcdonalds and wendys. i've never met a diet coke fountain beverage i didn't like (except this one time at sambuca when i was convinced that the waitress had lied to me that it was diet coke and we got into a fight about it). i seriously doubt that anything will ever satisfy me the way a diet coke fountain drink does. 

as you can tell, diet coke seriously affects my life on a daily basis, and i only have one rule to live by: never drink diet pepsi. it's so not classy, it tastes bad, and it goes flat in .2 seconds. i'm very seriously considering boycotting panera based on their support for pepsi-co. taco bell? also on my shit list. 

mimi: the big bang (part 2 of 2) - a life changing event.

when one hears the words "life changing event" images of graduations, exotic locations, and sexual experiences fill their thoughts. and it is true, that for most a significant turning point in their life can be marked by an ugly ass maroon/orange/whatever horrible color you can think of cap and gown or awkward teenage sex during which either premature ejaculation or a broken condom are involved. for me though, that turning point was much different, much more subtle, much more, shall i say, selfish. this day for me only involved a hairstylist and some carefully chosen tools (i.e. scissors, brush, comb, etc.). it was the day i got bangs. yes, i did just say that a major turning point in my life would be the day i got bangs. this day was about 2 years ago now and it will be a day that will go down in history as the day mimi got bangs and life as we know it was altered forever.

ok so it's not as serious as say war, famine, or the obesity epidemic plaguing the nation, which i'm told is getting worse due to the recession, but since, i am not a violent person, starved person, and/or fat chick, i will have to stand by my assertion that life before bangs was significantly worse. let me explain:

1. pimples: damn this combination skin of mine and the fact that pms still makes a few of these devilish blemishes show their ugly heads around, well, my head. unfortunately, random pimpies are still something that i contend with on a semi-regular basis. most of these random appearances can be spotted near the northern part of my face. before bangs, shoddy make up application and annoying amounts of creams that barely worked were my only line of defense against the little bastards. waking up in the morning with a particularly red one was almost a reason to skip class, but honestly, the engineering world waits for no one so i was forced to use one of the above methods to ease my situation. let me just say, a situation it was, no one wants to have promiscuous sex with the chick that has random pimpies at age 22. after bangs, the pimpies and i now live in unison; i dont feel the need to obliterate them because when they do decide to visit, no one can see them aka the magic of the thick, straight bang, which hangs out around the eyebrows. and speaking of which....

2. eyebrows: yes, bangs can be a major peacemaker when it comes to you and your eyebrows. you see, whether you spend copious amounts of money at the salon waxing your groucho-esque eyebrows or you over-plucked as a tween thus now paying the price as an adult aka thin, barely there eyebrows, bangs that land at or below your brows can be a serious aid to you and those within your vicinity. case in point, before bangs, i had to pay for a wax or pluck my own eyebrows and risk sufferring from the over-pluck, which many of us do on occassion. no matter how seasoned of a plucker you are...sometimes that last pluck was just one pluck to many. how many times can i say pluck or any form of the word in three sentences...apparently six. after bangs, i no longer need to pluck. yes, i do tend to the necessary clean up when needed, but on a regular basis, i just dont have to anymore. my bangs cover my brows. since my brows dont look like the fucking bushwomans, i'm covered...please note: if you do look like the bushwoman sans pluck, then bangs will not help aka this does not apply to you so please pluck on a regular basis.

3. style: bangs are chic. they are in, but only if you can pull them off (sorry ali...maybe you could get plastic surgery to fix that three head?). they look kick ass whether you rock that hippie chick style or you rock out in your 80's neon. really look in any magazine or on any runway...you find bangs. therefore, i feel no reason to argue this point further, since i am a drone and will do whatever current pop culture deems is cool.

4. the five head: honestly, i have a fucking five head, god maybe even a six/seven if my bony ass fingers can be legally used as an instrument to measure a forehead. before the long, straight, thick (i really thought that order through) bang, i tried a variety of looks that were intended to diminish my unnaturally large forehead....headbands, hats, hair in the face, even the side bang...nothing worked. it looked like maybe one night during my tween years, god decided to reach his mighty hand from the sky and stretch my forehead towards the heavens. i dont know why he found this necessary or why he was so focused on just the length of my forehead, but he was and honestly god, i was awkward enough at 12/13 did you really have to pull a bastard move like that? well, it took me years to figure it out, but i finally, did and after bangs, well the five head is hidden nicely and i look about a gatrillion times better....at least in my opinion and not to mention, the opinion of the obnoxious amount of boys who were suddenly pursuing me for promiscuous sex....maybe i imagined this last part.

so see, if you are as self-centered and looks conscious as i am, then you too can have a life changing experience that involves bangs.

but if you have a three head, dont say we didnt warn you.

mimi.

post script: my feet always fall fucking asleep. they are asleep now. see what i sacrifice for you dear readeres...the ability to walk like a normal human being.

ali: the big bang (part 1 of 2) - the curse of the threehead.

there are tons of things in life that i would like to be - the next edie sedgewick, an academy award winner, a martial arts expert, a reality tv star, a semi-professional juggler. the thing i really REALLY want to be though? the cool chick with the bangs. 

i will never be the cool chick with the bangs. i was cursed with the threehead. 

most people complain that their hairline is receding, that their forehead is too big, that there is too much space between their eyebrows and their hair. i wish that i had this problem. my eyebrows are too high, my hairline too low, and my forehead too small to have bangs. it is 100% a curse. 

when i was little, i tried to fix my threehead with a razor. i shaved off a quarter of an inch of my hairline, with the expected disastrous results. i was in like 5th grade, already awkward as HELL, and thought that this would be a brilliant idea. turned out that was false. 

when my hair grew out, i had bangs for 30 seconds, but EVERYONE had bangs in 6th and 7th grade. we thought we were sooo cool, having to "do our bangs" after gym and whatnot. what a fucking joke, we were all so lame. when those grew out, i just cut off all of my hair. 

i tried the side bangs for a while, but i kept getting hair in my eye. hair + contacts is not the best combination. also, my head is not wide enough for a major side part, and a major side part is required for the side-swept bangs. 

i've tried the under the chin layers, and those have worked out relatively well for me, but i've essentially had the same hair style for 6 years, varying only the color and (recently) the length. i can't help but long for really short front layers ala edie (my idol) or supahhh thick and long "in your eyes" bangs, jane birkin style. 

it's just not fair that my head fits into baby hats. i want to be the cool girl with bangs too. you guys know that i would look so much more legit and artsy with long, thick bangs and my super-nerdy glasses. 

the threehead is a curse. maybe i'll start a support group. 

mimi: advil, schmadvil.

Sickness is really not a main part of my life. I tend to be pretty healthy, can survive off of serious lack of sleep, and even when I get relatively wastey-face a hangover is really not a part of my next days repertoire. Now this last statement may or may not be due to the fact that I am an avid puker post-drink, but let’s save that for a later discussion. When the rare event occurs and I do acquire a sickness, well, it’s a pretty widely known fact that I will not take medicine. Unless I am a. basically about to collapse or b. made to stay in for more than three nights, I want nothing to do with meds. Keep your advils, Tylenols, peptos, and sudafeds for your own pansy-ass needs.

I have felt this way ever since I was a young child. When my mom would try to get me to swallow a tablespoon full of dimetap, my eight year old mouth would promptly spit it into the sink. Side note: purple dimetap was the only one worth swallowing….eventually as a child I would have to swallow because let’s be honest, mom force fed me. Known fact, while a foot shorter, my mom is much scarier than my dad, but I digress. During adolescence, my mom would try to get me to swallow these mammoth sized orange pills whenever I would get sick. Needless to say I wouldn’t because I have a serious fear of choking. Instead I would cry/scream until I didn’t have to, therefore, I actually took dimetap until I was about 12. I may have even taken it once or twice when I was 15 at a point when I was very sick so that I would not have to take one of those gargantuan pills. By 18 years old, mom gave up and let me be sick sans meds....thank god. Truth be told maybe I was a bit of a brat, maybe I still am, or maybe, just maybe, I am superwoman without the lousy leotard.

Did no one ever stop to think that maybe I didn't need medicine.
Maybe I have a superhuman immune system. Maybe my white blood cells are comparable to pirhannas; if it looks like it tastes good, they're going after it and by it I mean bacteria and viruses. Maybe the rest of your blood cells are comparable to polar bears....they're grizzly and get the job done, but lets be honest, extinction is creeping up on them. An extinct polar bear joke may or may not be funny, I dont know, I can't be the judge of these things and once I get the card, I most certainly cannot be held accountable for my own words. Seriously though, I'm just saying one children's tylenol will still cure my headache for 4 plus hours, while most of you crazies out there have to take 10 regular ones just to feel better for a couple of hours. Coincidence, I think not. Basically, I think medicine is unnecessary, but only for myself. If a friend came to me complaining of sickness, then I would tell them to take a Tylenol and shut their face (obviously I am a really good friend). 

Case in point: I have the immune system of wonder woman, batman, and keith richards combined.

Mull that over, call me later.

post script: I am deeply sorry for confusing all of you and actually using capital letters today.