ali: we're goin' to the chapel...

i never really thought i was going to get married. i was never one of those little girls who planned her wedding or played dress-up in a nightgown with my teddy bears as bridesmaids. no, you were more likely to find me cutting off the hair of my barbies or melting army men with a magnifying glass. in fact, i distinctly remember this exchange i had with one of my friends about my potential marriage.

we were watching some wedding show at jeanne's house, and the bride is WASTED. she's stumbling down the aisle, tripping over herself, knocking into the pews, and when she gets to the altar, she almost falls. the poor groom attempts to help steady her and she snaps, "i got it. i. got. it." jeff turns to me and says, "ali, if you ever get married, that's you." he was so right.

this past week, however, has made me realize that for the following reasons, i ain't never walking down the aisle in a white dress.

1. my own family is so crazy that i can't imagine EVER wanting to be a part of someone else's. for those of you who know my mother, she would probably get drunk and embarrass me, duh, my dad would make inappropriate racist jokes, my brother would just hang out with his friends and avoid socializing. also, i cannot mix social groups. there are "home friends," "work friends," and "school friends," and never the three shall meet.

2. i am super super super selfish. if anyone ever asked me to not do something so that we could a). move somewhere or b). raise a kid, i would have to answer with a vehement "NO." maybe it's just that i'm in my 20s, or maybe it's that i would rather die than have someone else dictate what i am going to do/where i am going to go in my life. i'm sorry, but i get unnecessarily angry when someone picks a restaurant i don't like (carraba's) or a movie i don't want to see (he's just not that into you). how am i going to live / coexist with another person?

3. white wedding? who am i kidding?

4. my grandfather left me money to get married when he died. there are much better things that i could do with that money, included but not limited to: opening a bar and getting plastic surgery.

5. my mom would never let me have a jop wedding, and real weddings / receptions are so complicated. it's a good excuse to have a party, but still: flowers, cake, band... so much responsibility, so little desire. 

if i ever do decide to take the plunge, mimi is going to have to be there dragging my wasted ass down the aisle. for those of you invited to the potential reception, there will be no flowers, you can wear jeans, and take advantage of that open bar. vodka & water with a splash of splenda for everyone. 

mimi: clothing again...i'm sorry, but it's necessary.

alright, yes, i am going to write about fashion faux pas' again. i'm not really sorry though because let's be honest, most of us deal with these on a day to day basis. it may be a friend, family member, stranger, or even your own sad closet situation...but they do exist and they do need to be discussed at length (at least in my opinion, they do). today's topic of discussion: everyday pieces of clothing/accessories that people buy in ridiculous colors, yet still wear everyday. if you own something that is meant for everyday use, then it probably shouldnt be neon pink (yes, this is me saying this), teal, pastel (which is really ugly and unacceptable in any case, but if you must), bright yellow, lime green, the list goes on....

in order to give you dear readers a better description of this dilemma, i will leave you with a list of clothing/accessories that if you must own in a crazy color, then you must own at least two.

1. northface: ahh the northface, every jappy northern girls go to jacket come the months of october through march. what was once a jacket meant for serious skiers has now been reduced to a tweens must have item. while the jacket does come in a variety of colors and patterns, it is a known fact that you should own one in gray, black, brown, white, or red (but even thats a stretch) before venturing out into the world that is the northface rainbow. if you insist on owning a northface in pink, aqua, yellow, etc. then please, please, please for the sake of your friends and family do NOT wear it every day. you are not on the slopes. if you fall down and cant get up, there are people around to help you. you will not need to be located by helicopter before the bears and coyotes get you. therefore, that lime green and pastel pink striped northface should only be allowed to see the light of day about once every two weeks, end of story.

2. ugg boots: actually i refuse to even discuss these, because if you still wear ugg boots then potentially i want nothing to do with you.

3. gloves: gloves, what a weird, but awesome accessory. perfect for driving cars without heated steering wheels and forming weapons of death (aka snowballs). otherwise gloves, you may or may not be useless unless i am climbing mount everest. here's the point....if you must be one of those people who wears gloves everyday, then please do not be the girl who wears the orange gloves everyday. no one wants to be her friend, at least not when she is in the gloves....and yes, they will be referred to as THE gloves. i actually think it should be a law that gloves only be sold in black, brown, and gray. of course, that law would exclude fingerless gloves because fingerless gloves are almost always worn in jest (and never everyday) so they are more fun when bought in a variety of colors. in fact, this rule may work backwards for fingerless gloves; only leather fingerless gloves should come in brown, black, or gray.

4. earrings: potentially, one of the most fun accessories a girl (or guy) can own. they come in a variety of colors, shapes, and sizes, as they should. i, myself, own black pirate ships, large colorful hoops, and gold shiny spirals (for the holidays duhhh). but then again, i also own simple studs. it becomes a serious problem when the only earrings you walk out of your house in are large blue balls with pink polka dots or bumble bee guitar picks. wearing the same eccentric earrings everyday makes you potentially insane, not an individual. the only person who can get away with wearing the same absurd ear baubles everyday is luna lovegood (see harry potter characters)....otherwise for the sake of all involved please refrain from wearing the zebras all the time.

5. flip-flops: ok, ok, i wont lie when old navy used to (i say used to because honestly i havent been in there in years, the cut of their clothing does nothing for my figure, but i digress) sell the flip-flops in every color...well, yes, i owned them in every damn color. then again, that would include brown, black, and gray so i was still following my own rules, thank god. anyway, flip-flops are fun in a multitude of colors, i will give you that, but you shouldn't wear the neon pink ones every day. in fact you might just want to save those for the beach/pool/barbie costume. brown/black flip-flops pretty much match any outfit and therefore, should be the go to ones in your collection. do not, i repeat do not, wear the orangey-orange ones out on a dinner date even if they do match your outfit. ughhh tacky. and boys...please stay away from flip-flops, which fall on any piece of the color spectrum...it just looks, well, lame.

so there you have it....a brief list of items which must be owned in multiples if they are to be owned in a variety of colors. i hope you just got a little bit more fashion conscious aka you can thank me later. thank god i finally got to say aka once in this post.


ahhhhh i'm out.
mimi.

post script: cds i bought today....lily allen, bloc party, and lady gaga (hey, you can't knock the gog's; she has mastered the art of being pantless).

ali: "sorry, that just really freaks me out."

i have a number of what you might call "phobias." they're not things that normal people are afraid of, like the dark or heights or bugs. no, no, mine are slightly more specific. 

1. being buried alive: i am literally terrified of being buried alive. thanks, mom, for giving me books of edgar allen poe's stories when i was little. i will never, ever forget reading "the fall of the house of usher" or "the cask of amontillado." they were in this collection of books called "little big books" and they were basically classics that were dumbed down enough for little kids to read. the editors and publishers, however, chose not to make them any less traumatizing, apparently. i freaked out when i had to re-read these stories in high school. so, mom, thanks, cause not only do i worry about being buried alive EVERY DAY, but everyone in 1st period english at the academy thought i was weird. 

2. people with missing limbs: another thing i can blame on my mom. roald dahl's short story "the swan," in which a kid kills a swan and cuts off its wings and makes another little kid wear them is the most graphic story i have ever read. i've only read it once, but i still remember like super specific details. mom, why did you give me that story to read? ugh. you should have screened these things before you gave them to me. i was just an impressionable child. this story has manifested itself in a fear of people with missing limbs. if i see someone missing an arm or a leg or even a finger, i can't look. thanks to therapy, i no longer scream and run away; now, i just scream a little bit on the inside. i can totally watch anything dealing with blood or surgeries, but if amputation comes up, i'm done for. over the summer, my mom was watching something on tv that she wanted me to come look at. it was about a woman who went into the hospital with an infection and came out with NO HANDS OR FEET. ahh, moommmm, why are you trying to ruin my life?

3. umbrellas: i'm not afraid of umbrellas per se, but i have concocted this super elaborate scenario in my head which consists of me walking down the street with an umbrella and accidentally lifting up some poor man's toupee. how embarrassing for everyone involved. if this were ever to happen to anyone, it would happen to me. in my head it plays out like this:

me: excuse me, sir, you seem to have lost something. 

baldy: oh, thank you ma'am.

and then he goes to take his toupee off of my fucking umbrella and it's stuck. 

me: sir, i apologize for this inconvenience. here, take this umbrella for your trouble. 

baldy: thank you. 

and then i would never carry an umbrella again. 

i don't know how to blame this one on my mom, but if i think about it for a while, i'm sure i can come up with something. 

4. eating in public with strangers: lunch/dinner dates are the worst. i hate hate hate the sounds of other people chewing, when people slurp their soup, using utensils in restaurants, drinking with dinner, and spilling stuff on myself. all of these things tend to happen when i have to eat in public. why would you go out to lunch or dinner when you don't know someone well? the combination of eating and talking is always super awkward, someone usually gets drunk, you don't want to complain about anything since you don't want to risk looking like a shrew, and because you're nervous, you'll probably spill and/or drop something. whyyyyy would you want to subject yourself to any of that? ahhh, i'm freaking out just thinking about it. 

there are dozens more, but these are the few that affect my life on a daily basis. i know they're weird, but, hey, who ever said i was normal?

mimi: grosssssssssss

before i begin, i must state two things:

1. i would like to correct my latest entry...the cigs were in fact bradley cooper's and not javier's. i do, however, stand by original opinion...the movie was horribly obnoxious.

2. fmylife.com aka the funniest website ever (aside from this blog).

in other news, i would like to discuss something very near and dear to all of us....ugly articles of clothing. we all own them, and most of us have the good sense not to wear them out of the house, and if we do, then it was purely meant in jest. for instance, i own a pair of thermal leggings...cream with little pink flowers...easily the dorkiest pair of pseudo-pants ever created. i always wore them to steve (aka stevenson library) to study with ali last year... let's be serious, i would do this out of sheer amusement. ali always did get the best "oh-mimi-i-am-soooooo-pissed" looks on her face when i came out of my room and that was worth the ridiculousness of wearing the therms (with the large black lace up boots, of course).

however, we all have those friends who own, slash constantly wear, that shirt or dress or jacket or etc. etc. etc., which just looks horrible. HORRIBLE, like you cringe every time you see them in it. a little part of you might die inside if you see he/she in that disgusting excuse for clothing again. i know, i know... it's immature, superficial, and mean, but i ALSO know that those of you reading this are nodding in agreement, whether it be a violent shaking of the head or a quiet cock of the chin. if you can honestly say that you do not agree with me, then you sir, own that ugly piece of garb, which your beloveds cringe at every time you allow it to see daylight or a lightbulb.

unfortunately, since i am not here to hurt feelings, i will only mention one example of this rampant phenomenon....the ugly scarf collection of an ex-friend (name withheld). she had a good 20-30 scarves; all pastel, all fuzzy, and all hideous. thank god its only cold in nashville for three months and therefore, i only had to put up with them for a quarter of a year...still, it was a lot to ask of someone who takes pride in her personal style. anyway the point, the ugliest of all the ugly scarves was pastel pink and fuzzy to the point where she left a trail behind her. please divert your attention to the picture above and as you can see, no need for bread crumbs in our forest loves! this scarf resembled something your mother might have bought you when you were 8 and a little girl, who liked little girl things (i.e., barbies, stick on earrings, and scrunchies). even so, you still would have told your mom it was disgusting and that you wouldnt be seen in such a juvenile accessory (obviously not in so many words, but still). the point is, you would hypothetically be an 8 year old saying this....my ex friend was anywhere from age 18 to 22 wearing this scarf. who knows it may still be dancing around her 23 year old neck as we speak. lucky for me, i dont have to see it anymore. honestly, i almost burned the thing last year. ughhh where were stacy and clinton when i needed them???

yes, it's true, a person can possess such hatred towards a single article of clothing or an accessory. case in point: me.

peace kidsssss,
mimi.


post script: did i mention that the same chick also owned light blue gloves that wouldnt keep a hamster warm in a toaster?

ali: 'cause you're hot and you're cold...

for the most part, tha kath and i are getting along great. she doesn't mind that i get drunk during the day (like right now) and i guess i don't mind it when she lectures me on having a career or something silly like that. she might make fun of the tv shows i watch, but i know she secretly loves it. i might complain that she's ALWAYS on the phone (surprising, considering how much she screens my calls), but i don't really care. we are, however, battling it out over one thing: the temperature situation. 

i hate being too warm. i would rather freeze than sweat to death. i like it to be a balmy 58 degrees, inside and out. i sleep under one blanket, no more, and in shorts and a t-shirt. kath, on the other hand, prefers her house to be approximately 97 degrees. i can't take it. maybe my body temperature is unnaturally high, but i don't think it's just me. 

the other day, when the house was a warm 66 degrees, kath was passive-aggressively walking around in her northface. is she trying to tell me something? i was walking around in a jean skirt and a white tee, and she was making comments like "wow, it's a little chilly in here, i just don't know why it's so cold." on top of the northface situation, i come home the other day to find her not only in a jacket, but also wearing a hat and sitting in front of a space heater. what is this?

there's no middle ground here, no compromising. even if the heat is set at 70 degrees, i'm sweating and kath is walking around in a sweater. this is not "sweater inside" weather. also, we play a passive-aggressive "turn the heat up or down" game. every time i'm here by myself, it's nice and cool,  but every time i come back, i discover that it's approximately 80 in here. the other night, it was a comfortable 60, but i knew kath would kill me if it was that cold when she came home. so, i turned the heat up and drank like ten glasses of water in an attempt to lower my body temperature. things that happened: i had to pee, and i couldn't sleep because it was too hot. i finally fell asleep after kath came home at 2:30 in the morning (what a party animal) and i secretly turned the heat down. 

kath tried to turn up the heat this morning while i was here, and i caught her. busted. 

i don't know - maybe it's me. i might wear flip-flops in 30 degree weather. i might bust out shorts as soon as the thermometer hits 50. i might sit outside when its 20 degrees just to smoke a cigarette. it's possible that i've played in the snow in nothing but yoga pants and a long sleeve shirt. i may not wear a coat when it's below freezing. 

but still... wearing a northface and breaking out the space heater when it's only 50 degrees out? not normal. 

mimi: shocked and appalled, and not in the cool way.

alright, i've been promising this new post for a while but let's be honest, i suck at keeping promises. besides the point....i was finally inspired to write two days ago. aka the day that i saw the worst movie of my life. i know that is a juvenile way to describe something, but honestly, i could not think of a better way to put things.

he's just not that into you...the culprit.
easily the most pathetic image of women ever shown on the big screen. the worst part, it was meant to mirror reality. even worse, women everywhere love it. hold on i have to go vom.

while the message of the book was a very legit, needed message; the movie neither reflected nor embraced said message (yes, that was poor semicolon usage). also let me say before i begin, i have acted like a complete moron around/about/with/over/etc. guys, so i do not think that i am the quote-unquote exception. i just think that this movie was a disgusting portrayal of women and how they may or may not interact with men (aka boys, because few are actually men).

so as an explanation for my hatred i will leave you with a character break down.

jennifer aniston's character (because let's be honest their names dont matter): yes, she was probably the least pathetic of the mentally abused, but does she ever express exactly how she feels to her beau, aka ben affleck? no. she just says if you wont marry me, im leaving. what the fuck...no one likes an ultimatum jen, didn't you learn anything from your time with brad?? you could have asked if he didnt like marriage or marriage to you. even better, you could have explained to him why a wedding was important to you; childhood dream, dying father, etc. also at the end of the movie, you figure out that you miss him and take him back before he even attempts to grovel. jen...this is why angie has a beautiful biracial family with your ex and you are stuck with pseudo-homosexual john mayer.

jennifer connelly's character: ok, 1. the only one married and she was a total shrew. 2. poor javier, because he just needed a smoke around that bitch (yes, those cigs belonged to javier and company not bradley cooper....ughhh, huge misconception). so, jennifer, your husband cheats and what do you do...you dont yell, you dont make a scene, you dont curse, you dont even make him sleep on the couch. now, yes those things dont remedy the situation, but they do make you feel damn empowered in the moment. what does that chick do? she tells him they'll work it out and they continue shopping together at home depot for the grill they will never use. ugh, who even wants to be at home depot with their lame husband in the first place? if he's cheating; im out of there, he's walking, and im picking up the first hot, young ass i see. ok, i am getting carried away, but stilllll. then to make matters worse, he is about to fuck scarlett johansson's character when jennifer connelly's shows up at the office. he hides scarlett in the closet and jennifer proceeds to trip over herself seducing him. SAD. also, who wears a bustier underneath their work attire? answer: no one. needless to say, brad disses her because come on, scarlett is in the closet and that is one tough act to follow. they get divorced, obviously...but in real life, it would have been because bradley left jennifer for scarlett and not because jennifer all of the sudden woke up....especially after that abysmal performance in the bustier made for someone ten years her junior.

scarlett johansson's character: yes, the only strong one. she had kevin connollly wrapped around her finger, but not the middle one because they weren't fucking. sad, because he is wayy hotter than bradely cooper, but i digress. so instead of making her an awesomely strong woman who has morals, they made her a whore. of course...because a woman cant be strong and in control, unless she is a whore. because women can only be in control of sex...nothing important, like their jobs or careers or even families. fuck you, screenwriters.

ginnifer goodwin's character (aka gigi aka the worst character with a horrible name): true story, we all know at least one gigi. another true story, if you are really her friend, you tell her she's insane and she has to do these inane things behind your back. secret text...duhhhh. this girl is supposed to embody the type of chick who severely needs the books help, which she does. justin long is supposed to be the guy who sets her straight and for a second, he does. then it all goes wrong at the party. he really doesnt give her any signs that he might be into her....he gives her signs that he feels bad for her aka he pities her. he did not hide his own feelings because they did not exist. gigi, disregarding all of the "rules", throws herself at him. he is obviously hanging out with a hotter chick at the end of the party, he barely talked to her during it, andddd he didnt do exactly what he said a guy would if they liked her...he didnt ask her out, once! so after he rejects her come ons and by come ons, i mean her attempt to rape him, she doesnt leave....no, let's not save face ginnifer. she instead proceeds to lecture him about his pitiful life and his inability to fall in love slash commit. she could not have embarrased herself more. this poor guy was made to feel so bad about a scenario, which she made up in her head, that he had to date her and make her his quote-unquote exception. therefore, the message of the book was totally lost on her and their pseudo-relationship.

drew barrymore's character: she was great. although, she only had ten minutes of screen time so she didn't get the chance to prove herself retarded.

so that is why i hated the movie, i hated the characters, and i want to ban drew barrymore from ever producing a movie about women again. someone start the cock hunt because i smell a tranny.

later lovers,
mimi.

post script: ethan, why are you the nate of 90210?

ali: confessions of a film snob

as a tried and true film snob, i attempt to use words like "self-conscious" and "artificial" in regards to movies on a daily basis, especially around people who have never taken a film theory class. i really enjoy name-dropping francois truffaut and akira kurosawa into casual conversation, and then explaining who they are to those less educated than i am.

despite all this, however, i have a confession to make: i am a tv junkie. i will watch anything, especially if it has the words "law & order" in the title. i don't like to admit this to most people. but tv is an addiction, and if we're going to be friends (or already are), you have to know about it.

 

there are few things i love more than the lifetime movie network. the best movies on that channel are the ones that have a synopsis right in the title, like "a man beat me and my children: the linda lou collins story." right away, you know what you're getting yourself into, and there are no surprises when linda lou's husband starts beating her AND the children. plus, lifetime original programming? army wives and strong medicine? so melodramatic, so great. 

i will watch law & order marathons and not be bored for a single second. it doesn't matter what kind of l&o it is, even the short-lived and pretty awful "trial by jury," it's not a big deal. there are some episodes of svu that i've seen at least 5 times, but if it's law & order versus something else i've never seen, l&o all the way. the best recent episode of law & order: svu was an animal smuggling case. (like what does that have to do with rape / child abuse? nothing, and it's awesome.) they found a monkey inside a BASKETBALL. i can't make this shit up. the writers are on crack, and i love it. also, there's nothing better than a "ripped from the headlines" episode, when the names are very subtly disguised. and by subtle, i mean someone with an iq of 45 would know what they are talking about. example: say the episode was about someone real named jason glass; the l&o name would be jacob plastic. unreal. 

even though it was only on for six episodes, there is a god, and he brought us momma's boys. that show had all of the elements that make any other reality tv show great. #1 - racebaiting ala the real world. #2 - dramatic elimination, standard. awesome twist - the girls get TEXTED as to whether they are safe or up for elimination. getting broken up with via text is way more humiliating than any other form of communication, including e-mail and im, so the fact that the boys text them, “sorry, it's a no” could not be more awesome. #3 - moms make any reality show great. parental control is one of the best concepts ever, and instead of just a few girls from the parents to choose from, this show started out with at least 30. great recipe – well played, ryan seacrest productions.  

it hasn't premiered yet, but "t.i.'s road to redemption" looks phenomenal. t.i., who is doing community service so he hopefully doesn't have to go to JAIL for GUN POSSESSION, goes on a trip for 45 days, 1,000 hours of community service, to help troubled teens across america. bring. it. on. i guarantee this will be amazing, and most people will never know it, because most people hate bad reality tv. (most people are not me & mimi.) 

last but not least: nip/tuck. this show is so unbelievably bad that it is amazing. soft-core porn, murders, rapes, incest, extramarital affairs, drugs, team-switching - the list goes on and on... and to top it all of, the setting is cosmetic surgery practice. there is more drama on one season of nip/tuck than there has been on all fifty years of guiding light. (although no one's identical twin has showed up - yet. i can only hope that matt - julia's child with christian that sean raised as his for 18 years and who slept with his half-sister - has a twin out there somewhere.) nip/tuck is a must-watch if you enjoy naked people or graphic boob jobs. 

even though I'm a super-geeky film snob, tv is my first love. don't be one of those "i don't own a television, i'm so above that" kind of people. love it, indulge in your guilty pleasure. you know you want to. flip on mtv and watch a marathon of “next.”  you won't regret it. 

ps. matsu, that was my apple, bro. thank god for tool academy.