mimi: my deepest apologies.

i'm sorry for the lack of postage, as i know you are all dying to hear my most recent thoughts, but it would appear as if i havent been that bored lately.

ta.

ali: a basic misconception.

i forget that people are dumb.

alot of times, i'll see or hear something that takes me aback for a moment. example: the asshole driving in front of me down union today that thought it was a brilliant idea to make a left turn on red. another example: hippies. i'll think to myself, "what is this? what is going on right now??" it's then when i realize that i've forgotten again that people are inherently stupid. not just uneducated, like they can't do calculus or don't know who Benazir Bhutto is, but stupid as in STUPID, as in can't-find-my-own-asshole-with-two-hands-and-a-flashlight-stupid.

there is a basic misconception that i live my life by: people are generally intelligent, sentient, beings. i assume that everyone else on this planet, or at least those i interact with on a daily basis, have some semblance of thought processes going on.

it turns out that this is false. people are just wandering through life, hoping that they make it through the day by sheer luck and (rarely) ingenuity.

this is most evident when it comes to driving. the other day, mimi and i were taking a nice little stroll down church street (it might have been nice for her, but i was sweating out a lot of booze) and we observed a man literally roll through a green light. conversation is as follows:

mimi: well, my day is ruined.

ali: why?

mimi: the speed at which that man just drove his car through that green light seriously upset me.

i couldn't have said it better myself. i literally hate that guy.

driving isn't the only thing that causes me sheer and utter pain for having to deal with the mindless beings that wander this planet. no, no, there is something even worse: standing in line at the gas station.

there are some mornings where i run into the gas station right by my house to literally grab an $.86 can of diet coke. the cashier and i have worked out a cute little system - i throw him a dollar, he doesn't insult me by giving me back pennies and instead hands me a nickel and a dime, we smile, and i (very quickly) go on my merry way. some days, however, our routine is interrupted by very, very, very stupid people. and by this, i mean poor people buying lottery tickets.

the lottery is one of those things that someone very smart must have invented because they don't suffer from the same misconception that i do. they realized right off the bat that people are generally dumber than sacks of shit. please people, you're buying lotto tickets. i can tell by the way you are dressed slash smell that you are poor. how about you pay your fucking rent or your water bill? just a suggestion. you're not gonna make it big, i promise. you might win another lottery ticket or $10, but i know you're just gonna blow that $10 on more lottery tickets, so how about we nip this ridiculous cycle in the bud, there, sweetie? i'm just looking out for your best interests.

another place where you can find a treasure trove of simple-minded plebians is any internet site that allows commenting. youtube, political commentary, anything - filled with statements like "u don kno meee!!111!!" "lolz at teh kewtie!!" "faggit" "kill urself ur so dum" and "w00t!!1!" i can't get into it any further than this; it gives me a headache.

sometimes, people make me want to kill myself. love/hate relationship. i'm sure you understand.

mimi: i fear the king will kill me in my sleep.

ok so i'm just going to be blunt: fast food mascots scare the fucking bejesus out of me. for real. i have jumped out planes, gone canyoning through the swiss alps, and carried a rather large snake around a room for hours so as you can see, most things in life do not scare me. in fact, i like to think of myself as a rather adventurous person who is more than willing to try new (and potentially dangerous) things. masochistic, maybe; fearful; mostly no.

when i turn the tv on though, and one of those mascots jumps on the screen, well, i die a little bit inside, and i may or may not scream out in fear depending on the scenario. but seriously, ronald mcdonald you creepy creepy pseudo-clown please remove yourself from the area where the children play...you may or may not be a bit pedophile-ish. whenever i see you, i'm kind of reminded of my friends weird uncle who insists on hugging me even though ive only met him twice. also, your bff is a big ball of purple hair aka grimmace, so you know, enough said. the taco bell dog....not scary, but extraordinarily annoying. upon viewing one of these commercials i would pretty much hear that squeaky voice in my dreams (slash nightmares, pronounced nightmeres) for about a week afterwards. wendy, well you are a ginger and make me think of what might happen if ronald mcdonald and pippy longstocking had a love child. also you promote square hamburgers and therefore, i cannot subscribe to you.

now those characters mentioned above are weird, creepy, and well quite, unnatural, but one mascot does rise above the rest in the race of most disturbing semi-human used to promote pseudo-food. this menacing creature i speak of is the king or the mascot for burger king. anyone who has seen a burger king commercial in the past year can most certainly agree with me.

the first commercial i remember seeing, which starred the king, was one where he served an unsuspecting man breakfast in bed. the man was asleep in bed and upon waking he spots the king sitting on the edge of his bed holding a platter with a breakfast sandwich and hashbrowns from burger king on it. there may have been juice, i dont remember; i could check youtube, but i am wayy to lazy and scared to do any actual research on the king. what i do remember, is that instead of screaming out in fear, this man decided to take the breakfast from the masked man with incredibly girlish hands. please tell me that someone else has noticed the seriously tiny hands which the king rocks. its a bit unsettling. please note: mcdonalds breakfast is far superior to burger kings and had the king been serving me that well i may have been less inclined to punch him in the face. although, i still would have asked him to leave while i ate, because his presence pretty much induces vomit.

a more recent king commercial involves a sad, sad celebrity appearance by sir mix-a-lot. yes, sir mix-a-lot of i like big butts fame has gone the sell out route slash he needed cash so i guess in this current economic climate i should just give him a break. well, honestly, i could except for the fact that his commercial includes a very disturbing play on words...i like square butts. now, if weird al had created this song, i may be able to get behind it, but that is just not the case here (at least i dont think it is, again i did no real research). instead, this commercial involves girls with "phone book implants" shaking their square butts up and down for the camera and oh yea, the king. the fucking king is jumping around with all of these girls in his creepy mask and they are allowing him to put his girlish hands all over them. the worst part....this commercial is geared towards children. yes, the future of america and the world is currently running around shrieking at the top of their lungs "i like square butts and i cannot lie". little girls everywhere are shoving books in their pants to achieve that square butt which society has now thrust upon them. all the while, the king perma grins his way through and entices us with false meat treats.

ok so there is one more reason as to why i (ok im just going to say it) hate the king. this has nothing to do with burger king and everything to do with this kid i went to high school with. you see, he was on the tennis team and rather good so good that he in fact asked to be called ze king. no the "ze" is not a typo...he wanted to be called ze king and not just ze king but "zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzeeeeeeeeeeeeee king". i officially wanted to die when i heard this at about 16 years old and i refused. everybody else and i mean everybody, friends, teachers, the fucking principle, indulged him. they all called him zzzzzzzzzzzzzeeeeeeeeeeeeeee king. this may or may not be one of the reasons i ran as far away as nashville come graduation.

in reality, i guess the king never stood a chance in my book. oh well.

that's that,
mimi.

post script: i'll be honest, jared was a close second.

ali: an open letter to nasvhille drivers - "no, i don't have road rage, you just suck." (the second in a two-part series)

it's a well-known fact that i am an excellent driver. there are some that might disagree with you (jeff, who hangs on for dear life when i slam on the brakes), but overall, my driving skills are rather well-developed.

i used to think that everyone drove the same way i did - slightly aggressively but still politely. i will cut your ass off if you're going too slow, but i will use my turn signal while i do it, just so you have the heads-up that you're an asshole. i learned to drive from my mom (there are two things a bored housewife can do with her 16 year-old daughter: shop & teach her how to drive. and drink with her at the country club, but that's something i'd rather not get into at this moment in time). for those of you who don't know, my mom was raised in and learned how to drive in nebraska, population: 63. i have a vision in my mind of her driving a pickup truck down a dirt road while my grandfather screamed "slow down!" but this is probably just something i made up in my head. regardless, my mom learned to drive without anyone else around. she taught me how to drive as though there were no one else around, too. therefore, the skills of speeding and quick right turns were well-developed before i even got a license. (my parents used to let me drive home from the country club starting at age 14 because they thought it would be "good for me." i think they were just drunk.) ANYWAY, my mom advocated getting places quickly without dying, and that has always been my driving philosophy. this philosophy is something that people in nashville do not share.

1. if i am driving 65 miles an hour and you get in front of me, if you slow down, i will literally figure out a way to hack into the dmv files, find out where you live, and i will leave a smoke bomb in your mailbox. if you have to speed up to get in front of someone, MAINTAIN THAT SPEED. jesus, it's not that fucking hard. someone is driving along at a decent speed, and you pull in front of them and slow down, that slows everyone down that is behind them. figure it out. which brings me to my next point...

2. braking on the interstate. if you take your foot off the gas, the car slows down. "what?!" some of you are thinking to yourselves. "i don't have to slam on my brakes if i want to go from 70 to 65? stop with all of this craziness!" well, i hate to blow your mind, but no, you can simply take your foot off the gas and... wait for it... let the car slow down on its own! i understand your world might be slightly upside down right now, but you are a better person for having learned this lesson, trust me.

2a. exception to this rule: when some asshole gets in front of you and slows down, by all means, use your brakes.

3. oh, hey there, are you making a left turn? well, that's cool, so am i. you know what would be really cool? if you pulled into the motherfucking intersection so that everyone has a chance to take advantage of those 15 seconds while the light is yellow and the other fuckers have stopped coming. if i have to sit through another red light while you mosey on through the intersection, i hope to god you are stopped at the next red light and i can follow you for a while and tailgate the shit out of you, you asshole. which brings me to my next point... (i love how these are all related. it's a testament to how much nashville drivers actually suck dick.)

4. when you are turning onto another street, it is actually against the law to pull into any lane other than the one you are closest to. if you are making a right hand turn, either at a light or a stop sign, and you do not pull into the farthest right lane, you are literally committing a crime. pull into the right lane, drive for 30 seconds and then, USING YOUR TURN SIGNAL, move over into the lane you need to be in. it's not that hard, and it really does save everyone a headache. i don't have the time nor the patience to divine what lane you need to be in. it's not my job to psychically figure out that you're going to be making a left onto 13th so it would be really convenient if you could just jump into that left lane from 12th onto wedgewood. no. just NO.

there are so many more points i could make, but i lack the energy to really get into anymore shitty nashville driving habits. being this angry exhausts me. it's naptime.

mimi: dear nashville, please learn how to drive. love always, mimi (this is the first blog in a two blog series)

before i can fully begin to assess the level of shitty driving that i encounter on a daily basis in my city of residence, nashville, i must openly admit to some things....i dont want to be called a hypocrite you know. first and foremost, yes, my driving record is not the best. unfortunately, i have been pulled over for going 95 in a 65, but to my defense, it was 5 am and no one else was on the goddamned road except for me and sadly the po. also accidents, ive been in quite a few....again though, only one was my fault and that was six years ago now. the others were all me getting rear ended. no, i do not stop short a lot, people just love crashing into the back of my car. please, dont ask me why, i dont have the answer. since i know this will be brought into question: i am a woman and i did learn how to drive in jers. these are two things that may work against me in a court of can mimi decide who is a good driver and who is not. well let me say this, i have never been in any serious accidents, i have survived fifteen hours of driving in a car alone on serious lack of sleep, and well, honestly, i feel as if i have the right to bitch about anything i want to (otherwise why on earth would i write this blog?)....so without any further introduction; things i despise about driving in nashville.

1. the blinker: use your fucking blinker you fucking shitty nashville fucking drivers that dont understand what that stick on the side of your steering wheel is fucking for. people in jers may drive like maniacs (myself included) but with proper blinker usage all parties are warned ahead of time whether it be a turn or a lane change. im just saying so many accidents could be avoided if blinkers were used. also if im waiting to turn off of a street that you are driving like 5 fucking mph down and then all of a sudden you make a right onto the street that i am on...well thats just fucking rude. i could have gone like fifteen minutes ago you slow fuck. it is a known fact that i hate people who dont use their blinkers. i use my blinker to pull into my fucking drive way in jers which is at the end of a dead end. if i were a cop, i would only pull over people who didnt use their blinkers. yes, i'd be a shitty cop, but at least the world would be full of a lot more blinking lights. case in point....use your blinker. also, now that i have gotten all of that unnecessary anger out we can continue with a lot less use of the word fuck or any variation on that.

2. right turns: most right turns are designed to be taken at about 10 to 20 mph, depending on the vehicle in question. i know this because i took about 4 classes on traffic/transportation engineering during undergrad so please dont question my credentials. in nashville though, most people take right turns at 5 mph or less. this causes a lot of unnecessary braking, which causes a lot of unnecessary use of gas. therefore, nashville, you are costing me about $5 to $10 extra in gas a week. yes, i did the math and yes, that last statement was false...seeing as i actually pulled the number out of my ass. but since time is money, i see this as a fair assessment. let's just say, i hate having to slow down for people who insist on taking a wide right turn at 2 mph when i surely know that i am going to whip my definitely more likely to tip suv around the corner at about 12 mph. im just saying.....

3. the acceleration ramp: do not, i repeat do not, stop your car on the acceleration ramp unless of course, there is a stop or yield sign, in which case you would not even be on the acceleration ramp. for those of you who dont know, the acceleration ramp is the ramp used to enter a highway aka the ramp you accelerate on so that once you reach the highway you are going about 5 mph under the speed limit or faster. therefore, like it or not nashville, i will be accelerating on this stretch of road. if you stop at the end of it because you have to make sure there are no cars, then you, my dear, are a shitty shitty driver. that is what your mirrors are for. also i will most likely have to swerve not to hit you and step on my brake...again causing me to lose unnecessary amounts of gas.

4. the gas crisis: this has nothing to do with actual ability to drive, but everything to do with the fact that once placed in a car most nashvillians turn into tards. case in point: the gas crisis last fall. we brought it on ourselves and that's really all i have to say about that.

so please nashville, learn how to drive or get a better public transportation system....i am begging you.

dont hold it against me,
mimi.

post script: it feels good to be back in action, even if my grammar has only improved slightly.

ali: snobbery, restraurant style.

i'm well aware that it has been a while. i could claim that i am "super busy" (nope, still don't have a real job) or that i was "uninspired" (no again, been complaining out loud for the past month, but still haven't written anything.) truth is, i'm just lazy. it's easier to lay in bed and watch tv than it is to lay in bed and write. buuttt, without futher ado, the sabbatical is over, and i am going to educate you on acceptable and unacceptable dining establishments. (the word restaurant is really hard for me to spell, and i plan to use it as little as possible.) 

on the list of acceptable is any independently owned restaurant. in fact, there is a whole website at your disposal - nashvilleoriginals.com. the fact that i work at an independently-owned "casual fine dining" establishment is entirely besides the point. the truth is, if i wanted to be involved in the world of corporate shitheads, i would still work at the brfs. so, do yourself a favor, put down the carraba's to-go menu, and join us in the world of local entrepreneurs and, even better, locally grown food. it's worth your time. i would call myself a food snob, but i don't really enjoy food that much. still, i have an opinion, and i'm going to share it. you may call it snobbery, but it's not snobbery when you can back it up. 

that brings me to a quick list of unacceptable places to eat. i find no explanation necessary other than stating that they all SUCK and should never be frequented. 

1. carraba's. (it's headquarters are in tampa, fl. i believe this says more about them than i ever could.)

2. outback steakhouse. 

(word on the street is that there exist certain places where the two establishments share the same building. i would refer to this as either the second or third circle of hell, depending on what you order.)

3. bravo.

4. amerigo's. (i recently learned that this is a southern pheonomenon. southern people are craaaazy.)

5. olive garden. 

6. sizzler.

7. texas roadhouse.

8. applebee's (more like crapplebee's, am i right?)

9. ruby tuesday's. 

10. (tie) planet hollywood, tgi friday's, johnny rocket's, logan's. 

chain restaurants worth dining at are few and far between. there are some worthy of your time and money, but for specific reasons. they are as follows: 

1. chili's. they facilitated my (and every other vandy kid's) underage drinking for 3 years. plus, the discovery of drinking on the card was one of the most beautiful moments in all of our lives. also, where else would we have gone post-tailgaiting instead of the football games? logan's? i think not. 

2. red lobster. one word. biscuits. 

3. the hard rock cafe. although the food is shitty, and the atmosphere totally 90s, the hard rock cafe remains near and dear to my heart for one reason: spain. it is only acceptable to eat at the hard rock on foreign soil, and, no, canada does not count. i will get drunk at the one on clifton hill, though, that's okay. 

4. rainforest cafe. the food isn't just shitty, it's TERRIBLE, but they suck me in every time with those jungle animals and "thunderstorms." love it. 

5. maggiano's. if you ever have to eat chain italian food (and i recommend that you don't cause, gross), eat at maggiano's. it's a little pretentious with their fucking sign light-bulb sign on west end and that goddamned piano, but it's the only chain italian place that has decent food. also, it's cleaner than all the rest. 

6. cracker barrel. their okra is fucking good, and where else can you find a little frog that croaks out songs for your garden or a sweatshirt for an adult that says "grandma's angel" in glitter writing? eating and shopping, need i say more?

7. pf chang's. so, it's not legit chinese food (the pf stands for paul fleming - what an asshole) but it's good. and there's little to no chance that you might accidentally eat a dog or catch salmonella. best of both worlds. 

8. bahama breeze. they have some of the most delicious drinks; however, after a bad experience with rum, i don't know if i will ever be able to drink there again. sad day for me. 

9. waffle house. only acceptable under the most strict conditions, please acquire a breathalyzer. i'll wait. blow into it. if your BAC is below .15, you may not, i repeat MAY NOT eat at waffle house. over .15? have at it. have some hashbrowns for me. 

10. dave & busters. one of the few eating establishments that i have been blackout drunk in. (others include chilis, duh, and cabana). i have never been thrown out of dave & buster's, though i know for a fact that i have caused quite a few scenes. for this, i thank you. 

runner-up: boston pizza. unless you are from western new york or (god forbid) actual canada, chances are, you've never heard of boston pizza. it's basically a dave & buster's rip off, with two extra-special exceptions: bruschetta pizza and the twisted rocket. if you've never had either of these, get to clifton hill immediately. it's literally worth the trip. (also, you can see niagara falls, which is pretty cool, too.)

to sum it all up: support local business, avoid carraba's because it is gross, and get to niagara falls, ontario immediately. 

you know you missed me. 

post script: recently recieved text message from mimi: "carrabas i hate you." i couldn't have said it better myself.

mimi: change of heart

so i was going to post about god and how he is potentially an incredibly intelligent lego obsessed kid with the emotional capabilities of a twelve year old who may or may not be fat. you be the judge, i like to pretend his weight fluctuates with the amount of death/destruction he has deemed appropriate for the time period. unfortunately, i've decided that i may not be ready to visit the seventh circle of hell aka check back next week for this post. hopefully, i will have bought some stronger spf by then.

instead, im going to cop out and make a list.....but i can promise you this much, this list will forever alter your life. seriously, here are the top five things i learned slash discovered this weekend.

5. ru paul's drag race: sunday afternoon i turned the tv on and there it was...the most glorious show in all of reality tv-dom. let me give you some history for those of you not in the know; ru paul is the drag queen to end all drag queens. the first supermodel drag queen. to sum it up, her morning show helped relaunch wktu as the party station we all love to hate in the city. wktu people...this is serious business. well it turns out that since the end of that morning show, rupaul did not in fact fall off of the face of the earth like i had previously assumed...no no no, she was just doing her tranny thing waiting for the world to notice her fiercesiosity (good made up word?) again, and notice we did. thus rupauls drag race was born. essentially she is searching for the next drag superstar. basically this show is like americas next top model, except ten gatrillion times better. case in point: at the end of each episode their is a lip sync off to decide who goes home. right before this occurs, rupaul informs her minions that they will have to "lip sync for their life". wow, just wow. needless to say i watched the whole marathon and also made ali's new man potentially want to castrate himself after i informed her of the show while she was with him. sorry richarddddddd.

4. neon aztec is in fact a print that exists in real life and now my closet. the series of events, which led up to this were: i walked into a vintage store; i looked up; god shined his holy light on the mannequin; a chorus of angels began to sing; birds picked up the dress and draped over my body; it fit perfectly; i bought it for a 20 spot; life was fucking rad.

ok im going to be honest...i want to go to sleep so im going to stop here and ali wants to post so im publishing this post. sorry if i suck. sorry if my life is more than internet pseudo-humor. i promise you this though, your survival is not hanging in the balance.

mimi.

post script: i have no post script.

ali: the hierarchy

there is one thing that has been there for me throughout my entire adult life. every problem, every trial that i've been forced to endure, my constant battles with various people and/or phobias, every midterm and final, every strife that i've had to overcome that made me the person i am today. 

diet coke. 

diet coke is one of the few simple pleasures in life that has never let me down. diet coke is a constant source of energy, a hangover cure, a delightful drink that can conceivably solve every problem i've ever had. that being said, diet coke is not a godsend in all of it's forms; in fact, it is a rather fickle mistress. and now, the hierarchy:

5. diet coke in a 2 liter bottle is quite possibly the saddest sight i have ever seen. it just sits there, lonely and awkward, on the supermarket shelf. things get even worse when you try to drink it. it's never cold enough in that plastic bottle, and it gets flat 30 seconds after you open it. think twice about trying to keep that fucker for more than a week. 

4. 16 oz. plastic bottles share their problems with the 2 liter. always too warm - minus 1 point. who can drink 16 ozs of diet coke in one sitting - minus 2 points. 3 hours after you open it, you might think, "oh, i have a little diet coke left. it's just sitting there, tempting me." do NOT drink it. it will be flat and warm, the worst diet coke combination known to man, and you will curse the day diet coke was invented. FAIL. 

3. it's a big step up from the plastic bottles to diet coke in a can. diet coke in a can is always nice and cold, a refreshing drink after a long night of debauchery, an instant hangover cure, or something to relax with by the pool on a hot summer day. diet coke in a can is the perfect size - you can drink it quickly, and it's still cold when you finish it. i've never tried to shotgun a diet coke, but there is always that option. 

2. diet coke in a glass bottle would be number one, but its relative scarcity bumps it down to number 2. there are rare instances in which diet coke is available in glass bottles, but i can tell you that they have them in morristown, tn and birmingham, al. cross the mason-dixon line, though, and good luck. glass bottles are nice and chilly, a relatively good size, easy to hold, and there's no aluminum or plastic taste. it's perfect. 

1. fountain beverage diet coke is god's greatest gift to mankind. carbonated, over ice, easily accessible - the best combination for diet coke that exists. actually, to get into specifics, it really needs to be served in a flimsy paper cup and with giant cubes of ice to really be considered the best combo for diet coke. a diet coke fountain beverage is a little piece of heaven delivered by the angels at mcdonalds and wendys. i've never met a diet coke fountain beverage i didn't like (except this one time at sambuca when i was convinced that the waitress had lied to me that it was diet coke and we got into a fight about it). i seriously doubt that anything will ever satisfy me the way a diet coke fountain drink does. 

as you can tell, diet coke seriously affects my life on a daily basis, and i only have one rule to live by: never drink diet pepsi. it's so not classy, it tastes bad, and it goes flat in .2 seconds. i'm very seriously considering boycotting panera based on their support for pepsi-co. taco bell? also on my shit list. 

mimi: the big bang (part 2 of 2) - a life changing event.

when one hears the words "life changing event" images of graduations, exotic locations, and sexual experiences fill their thoughts. and it is true, that for most a significant turning point in their life can be marked by an ugly ass maroon/orange/whatever horrible color you can think of cap and gown or awkward teenage sex during which either premature ejaculation or a broken condom are involved. for me though, that turning point was much different, much more subtle, much more, shall i say, selfish. this day for me only involved a hairstylist and some carefully chosen tools (i.e. scissors, brush, comb, etc.). it was the day i got bangs. yes, i did just say that a major turning point in my life would be the day i got bangs. this day was about 2 years ago now and it will be a day that will go down in history as the day mimi got bangs and life as we know it was altered forever.

ok so it's not as serious as say war, famine, or the obesity epidemic plaguing the nation, which i'm told is getting worse due to the recession, but since, i am not a violent person, starved person, and/or fat chick, i will have to stand by my assertion that life before bangs was significantly worse. let me explain:

1. pimples: damn this combination skin of mine and the fact that pms still makes a few of these devilish blemishes show their ugly heads around, well, my head. unfortunately, random pimpies are still something that i contend with on a semi-regular basis. most of these random appearances can be spotted near the northern part of my face. before bangs, shoddy make up application and annoying amounts of creams that barely worked were my only line of defense against the little bastards. waking up in the morning with a particularly red one was almost a reason to skip class, but honestly, the engineering world waits for no one so i was forced to use one of the above methods to ease my situation. let me just say, a situation it was, no one wants to have promiscuous sex with the chick that has random pimpies at age 22. after bangs, the pimpies and i now live in unison; i dont feel the need to obliterate them because when they do decide to visit, no one can see them aka the magic of the thick, straight bang, which hangs out around the eyebrows. and speaking of which....

2. eyebrows: yes, bangs can be a major peacemaker when it comes to you and your eyebrows. you see, whether you spend copious amounts of money at the salon waxing your groucho-esque eyebrows or you over-plucked as a tween thus now paying the price as an adult aka thin, barely there eyebrows, bangs that land at or below your brows can be a serious aid to you and those within your vicinity. case in point, before bangs, i had to pay for a wax or pluck my own eyebrows and risk sufferring from the over-pluck, which many of us do on occassion. no matter how seasoned of a plucker you are...sometimes that last pluck was just one pluck to many. how many times can i say pluck or any form of the word in three sentences...apparently six. after bangs, i no longer need to pluck. yes, i do tend to the necessary clean up when needed, but on a regular basis, i just dont have to anymore. my bangs cover my brows. since my brows dont look like the fucking bushwomans, i'm covered...please note: if you do look like the bushwoman sans pluck, then bangs will not help aka this does not apply to you so please pluck on a regular basis.

3. style: bangs are chic. they are in, but only if you can pull them off (sorry ali...maybe you could get plastic surgery to fix that three head?). they look kick ass whether you rock that hippie chick style or you rock out in your 80's neon. really look in any magazine or on any runway...you find bangs. therefore, i feel no reason to argue this point further, since i am a drone and will do whatever current pop culture deems is cool.

4. the five head: honestly, i have a fucking five head, god maybe even a six/seven if my bony ass fingers can be legally used as an instrument to measure a forehead. before the long, straight, thick (i really thought that order through) bang, i tried a variety of looks that were intended to diminish my unnaturally large forehead....headbands, hats, hair in the face, even the side bang...nothing worked. it looked like maybe one night during my tween years, god decided to reach his mighty hand from the sky and stretch my forehead towards the heavens. i dont know why he found this necessary or why he was so focused on just the length of my forehead, but he was and honestly god, i was awkward enough at 12/13 did you really have to pull a bastard move like that? well, it took me years to figure it out, but i finally, did and after bangs, well the five head is hidden nicely and i look about a gatrillion times better....at least in my opinion and not to mention, the opinion of the obnoxious amount of boys who were suddenly pursuing me for promiscuous sex....maybe i imagined this last part.

so see, if you are as self-centered and looks conscious as i am, then you too can have a life changing experience that involves bangs.

but if you have a three head, dont say we didnt warn you.

mimi.

post script: my feet always fall fucking asleep. they are asleep now. see what i sacrifice for you dear readeres...the ability to walk like a normal human being.

ali: the big bang (part 1 of 2) - the curse of the threehead.

there are tons of things in life that i would like to be - the next edie sedgewick, an academy award winner, a martial arts expert, a reality tv star, a semi-professional juggler. the thing i really REALLY want to be though? the cool chick with the bangs. 

i will never be the cool chick with the bangs. i was cursed with the threehead. 

most people complain that their hairline is receding, that their forehead is too big, that there is too much space between their eyebrows and their hair. i wish that i had this problem. my eyebrows are too high, my hairline too low, and my forehead too small to have bangs. it is 100% a curse. 

when i was little, i tried to fix my threehead with a razor. i shaved off a quarter of an inch of my hairline, with the expected disastrous results. i was in like 5th grade, already awkward as HELL, and thought that this would be a brilliant idea. turned out that was false. 

when my hair grew out, i had bangs for 30 seconds, but EVERYONE had bangs in 6th and 7th grade. we thought we were sooo cool, having to "do our bangs" after gym and whatnot. what a fucking joke, we were all so lame. when those grew out, i just cut off all of my hair. 

i tried the side bangs for a while, but i kept getting hair in my eye. hair + contacts is not the best combination. also, my head is not wide enough for a major side part, and a major side part is required for the side-swept bangs. 

i've tried the under the chin layers, and those have worked out relatively well for me, but i've essentially had the same hair style for 6 years, varying only the color and (recently) the length. i can't help but long for really short front layers ala edie (my idol) or supahhh thick and long "in your eyes" bangs, jane birkin style. 

it's just not fair that my head fits into baby hats. i want to be the cool girl with bangs too. you guys know that i would look so much more legit and artsy with long, thick bangs and my super-nerdy glasses. 

the threehead is a curse. maybe i'll start a support group.