ali: confessions of a film snob

as a tried and true film snob, i attempt to use words like "self-conscious" and "artificial" in regards to movies on a daily basis, especially around people who have never taken a film theory class. i really enjoy name-dropping francois truffaut and akira kurosawa into casual conversation, and then explaining who they are to those less educated than i am.

despite all this, however, i have a confession to make: i am a tv junkie. i will watch anything, especially if it has the words "law & order" in the title. i don't like to admit this to most people. but tv is an addiction, and if we're going to be friends (or already are), you have to know about it.

 

there are few things i love more than the lifetime movie network. the best movies on that channel are the ones that have a synopsis right in the title, like "a man beat me and my children: the linda lou collins story." right away, you know what you're getting yourself into, and there are no surprises when linda lou's husband starts beating her AND the children. plus, lifetime original programming? army wives and strong medicine? so melodramatic, so great. 

i will watch law & order marathons and not be bored for a single second. it doesn't matter what kind of l&o it is, even the short-lived and pretty awful "trial by jury," it's not a big deal. there are some episodes of svu that i've seen at least 5 times, but if it's law & order versus something else i've never seen, l&o all the way. the best recent episode of law & order: svu was an animal smuggling case. (like what does that have to do with rape / child abuse? nothing, and it's awesome.) they found a monkey inside a BASKETBALL. i can't make this shit up. the writers are on crack, and i love it. also, there's nothing better than a "ripped from the headlines" episode, when the names are very subtly disguised. and by subtle, i mean someone with an iq of 45 would know what they are talking about. example: say the episode was about someone real named jason glass; the l&o name would be jacob plastic. unreal. 

even though it was only on for six episodes, there is a god, and he brought us momma's boys. that show had all of the elements that make any other reality tv show great. #1 - racebaiting ala the real world. #2 - dramatic elimination, standard. awesome twist - the girls get TEXTED as to whether they are safe or up for elimination. getting broken up with via text is way more humiliating than any other form of communication, including e-mail and im, so the fact that the boys text them, “sorry, it's a no” could not be more awesome. #3 - moms make any reality show great. parental control is one of the best concepts ever, and instead of just a few girls from the parents to choose from, this show started out with at least 30. great recipe – well played, ryan seacrest productions.  

it hasn't premiered yet, but "t.i.'s road to redemption" looks phenomenal. t.i., who is doing community service so he hopefully doesn't have to go to JAIL for GUN POSSESSION, goes on a trip for 45 days, 1,000 hours of community service, to help troubled teens across america. bring. it. on. i guarantee this will be amazing, and most people will never know it, because most people hate bad reality tv. (most people are not me & mimi.) 

last but not least: nip/tuck. this show is so unbelievably bad that it is amazing. soft-core porn, murders, rapes, incest, extramarital affairs, drugs, team-switching - the list goes on and on... and to top it all of, the setting is cosmetic surgery practice. there is more drama on one season of nip/tuck than there has been on all fifty years of guiding light. (although no one's identical twin has showed up - yet. i can only hope that matt - julia's child with christian that sean raised as his for 18 years and who slept with his half-sister - has a twin out there somewhere.) nip/tuck is a must-watch if you enjoy naked people or graphic boob jobs. 

even though I'm a super-geeky film snob, tv is my first love. don't be one of those "i don't own a television, i'm so above that" kind of people. love it, indulge in your guilty pleasure. you know you want to. flip on mtv and watch a marathon of “next.”  you won't regret it. 

ps. matsu, that was my apple, bro. thank god for tool academy.